"I was barred, obviously…"
These are the things you get up to on a night out…
A few weeks ago we showed you this amazing promotional item: a Lady Gaga USB-powered dancemat thing. We put it forward you as a competition prize, and in honour of Lady Gaga's 'Just Dance' single, we decided that to enter the competition you had to tell us what happened the last time you got drunk in a club.
Here's the winner.
"i thought it would be a good idea to dance on a table," writes one Popjustice reader. "A table leg broke under my weight and I was hauled into the security office where i was shown cctv footage of me commiting the offence, at which point i pissed myself laughing. When asked to pay for the damage I offered the security guard a blow job as payment. I was barred, obviously."
What follows is a selection — a very small selection, worryingly — of your entries.
"The last time I was drunk in a club was at White Heat in Madam JoJos… nothing spectacularly awful happened except that Simon Amstell was there and I gave him a dirty look for pushing in front of me at the bar. I was so excited when they played Stuck On Repeat by Little Boots (I didn't recognise a SINGLE other song they played) that I choked on the ice cube I was seductively (cuntishly) sucking and had to sit down for a bit. I found myself sitting next to Simon Amstell and his posse and looked like a right spaz. I don't think he even noticed. On the way home I bought 20 (TWENTY!) chicken nuggets for 5 pounds but couldn't eat them because I was pressed up against the glass on the nightbus until Elephant and so-called Castle."
"I lost my Primark leather jacket and my phone and a hat and a scarf :( And I pole danced for 3 hours with lesbians. I got told off by one lesbian for molesting her girlfriend."
"The last time I got drunk in a club was on Friday night when I mingled with the homosexuals to go and see Diana Vickers warble her way through some lovely songs. The night had been pleasant — singing, dancing, stealing of Christmas lights from the DJ booth, almost being electrocuted by said Christmas lights, and elbowing my friend in the face whilst jiving to Britney's 'Mannequin'. Diana wasn't to come on stage until 2am so I made sure to get a good place around 1am so that I could have a clear view of Diana's hand. Sadly, as 2am approached, more and more gays were piling in, including a particularly harsh lesbian who pushed my shoulder and told me to "Cunt off". :( In the end I didn't even get to see Diana because I was so traumatised by the whole thing and I left at 1:50, a mere 10 minutes before Diana strutted her stuff for the Geordie masses. "
"We decided to spend the latter half of the evening in the only indie club in the nam, The 2 pigs. Just before leaving I bought 3 “reds” (a house speciality, cherry panda pops and vodka) then realised I had no money. I turned around and made a valiant attempt at running away. But what actually happened was I ran about a metre away from the bar then turned around, with both hands in front of me reminiscent of a Velociraptor, to see if I had suddenly become invisible to the barmaid. I hadn’t and it turns out…………. I knew her. My girlfriend paid for the drinks, we left and I past out in front of a sky plus-ed X Factor final."
"i managed to get barred from the place i work (i don't know how, i work in the bar). I fell down a flight of stairs, fell out with my best mate and walked home."
"Last time I got drunk in a club (i.e. last Friday)… I said to a girl 'you're not pretty, but you're not ugly. You're pretty ugly.' She still joined me on the dancefloor for Womanizer."
"Danced a bit (not very well); got rather too aggressive when drunk people starting touching my currently rather voluminous ginger hair without permission and asking if it was real; got rather too was defensive of my younger female cousin when a sleazy male friend of hers was coming on to her (of course he said he wasn’t and she thought he wasn’t but for God’s sake he is male); watched another of cousins ‘chatting’ on the microphone to a UK Garage song and completely failed to understand a single word that was being said despite leaning towards him cupping my ear like an old man."
"After drinking for five hours I felt the need to call my boss and tell him the project I'm designing would "have to wait another day because tonight I'm doing the night right". *walks into work with her head held low this morning*"
"I thought it would be a really good idea to stick around til 2:40 a.m to see Diana Vickers do a promotional performance and then my mate Lucy made us stick around by the back exit to get a photo with her."
"Well, the last time I was drunk in a club, we were all escorted from the premises since several people in our party were vomiting, quite a lot, and I was caught in the girl's toilets. Possibly up to no good, but I honestly couldn't tell you if I wanted to. Some girl who looked like Sarah Harding popped my balloon. The whole time, I should probably mention, I was dressed as Santa Claus. And this was all before midnight."
"I've never been drunk in a club because I'm 16 but the last time I was drunk was at my friend's fancy dress party where I was a robot. Eventually I took my t‑shirt off and walked around in the costume shouting loudly that I needed oil immediately because I had rusty joints."
"I ended up shagging my manager."
"My friend and I were in some dive called XXXXXXXXXXX (re-named to XXXXXXXXXXXXX a couple of days ago, it's a travesty) two weeks back. It's a bit like Byker Grove but with a happy hardcore soundtrack. While dancing we noticed a hole the size of a fist in one of the plastered walls. Fuelled on £1 vodka redbulls and illegal drugs, we took it up on ourselves to tear a bigger hole in the wall, almost big enough to fit a small person in there. Worried we were gonna be torn apart by the bouncers, we hid this with a poster. How no one saw all this I don't know. Later on some funboy wearing double denim took a shine to Peter and started kissing/raping him. Forgeting about the hole, the pair leaned on the poster, falling into the hole. Hilarity ensued, as you can imagine."
"I got drunk in a club last night and then proceeded to cry when i saw a boy i used to date. also as i went to get a refreshing drink of water in front of the aforementioned boy he — and he was far far more sober than me — mocked my choice of beverage so i waved my drink around, slurring 'IT'S ALL VODKA'. I think it is fair to say I shouldn't be let out of the house again as i am an embarrasment to normal 20 year old girls."
"Last time I got drunk in a club I danced on the stage with a moose themed oven mitt on my hand. i then fell off the stage."
"Last time I got properly drunk was at a Xmas themed party with "snow" on the floor which we decorated a drunker guy with and then performed the whole of The Saturdays — Up routine using Corona bottles for microphones. Me and my flat mate (who was hosting so was dressed in drag) had a fight in the street over my hat (I won), then we got on the bus which for some reason refused to leave, so I entertained the crowd with HILARIOUS Diana Vickers impressions (I'm actually quite good) while I mistook their seething for understated awe. Got off the bus because it wouldn't leave, waited half an hour for an Addison Lee taxi booked by another friend (still entertaining passersby with renditions of "CORNED BEEF! I'M A LION!" and "There be bunny herbs…gnome, gnome"), got driven to their flat then persuaded the taxi driver we'd booked and paid for journeys to two addresses. Walked from Bethnal Green tube station to Victoria Park, fell over a bollard, got home.….….…and realised the electricity meter had run out."
"Last time I got drunk in a nightclub I broke a coat stand in half, was forcibly removed by a bouncer and got my employers banned from the venue."
"I took my top off and let the gay boy from [BAND NAME WITH-HELD] lick my nipples — I hang my head in shame and I cant believe I've just told you."
"Myself and others were DJing at an 'Indie' club as part of a charity event. The theme was guilty pleasures, a concept I personally depise as you either like something or you don't and should not be embarrased about what you enjoy. Not that it mattered as nobody else seemed to be following the idea and playing general crowd pleasers ("Move Your Feet" a guilty pleasure?). The way I see it was that a true guilty record is one where you dislike the artist personally or find the material socially questionable but still enjoy the record anyway. So it took me a few drinks to work up to the records I'd been umming and ahhing over, namely 'Rock & Roll Pt 2'.
I spent most of the night on the floor riding an inflatable palm tree after having written "Help" on my friend's right boob. All whilst being dressed as a soldier called "Lt. Ladycave"."
"I'd just been dumped by the boyfriend, and my dad had a stroke. All in the same day. That night I went out, got wasted, pulled my best friends ex (in front of him), got accosted into a semi threesome on the dancefloor, and stripped a guy to 'Circus' as it was the first time I'd heard it out, and he was the only one who seemed to know it. (How this is a reason for taking someones clothes off I'm not sure)."
"I started 'kicking in chairs and knocking down tables', except it weren't in a West End town it were in Madrid. We were there to see Uffie I believe. This was after I had been told not by management to put me feet on the furniture etc. Anyway a bouncer came at me sideways out of a wall apparently, and I was scruffed and chucked out of the club."
"the last time i got drunk i did the following things(in this order)… i drank Pitchers Of 'Cheryl Cole'cocktails which were on sale for £4.99 i proceeded to drink 3 of these and reported to a dance floor, where madonnna 4minutes was playin,i decided it would be a wonderful idea to try and re-create her yoga inspired dancemoves,i tied to do a crab however i ended up flat on my back in the middle of a dancefloor. however it doesnt end their… i then decided to drink cider and move on to a nother club where in my drunk state i thought the sugababes where playing, so enroute i took my pint in a cup and came across a bloke who shouted somethin to me and my friends. in my drunked fury i turned around a baptised him with my pint of cider.oh dear. by this point i arrived at the club steaming drunk i then feel asleep on the couch with my friend and missed the sugababes only to be woken by a bouncer asking us to leave."
"last time i got drunk in a club, i told my best friend's mum to fuck off because i was trying to make some new friends."
"Last night on my works Christmas party, after much, much, much alcohol, went to a gay club at 1am and it was dead, apart from 4 ancient guys with beards sitting down, possibly discussing the 80’s. I went outside to the smoking garden and found a cardboard box full of rubbish and a empty cardboard corona box. As soon as I had it in my hands, Daft Punk ‘Around the World’ came on and I felt very inspired to carve with my teeth two eye holes and a smiley mouth in the Corona box and start doing robot dancing on the dancefloor in the club. I thought I was amazing."
"I woke up the morning after and amongst my stuff was a card from Urbanbrits (a porn site) with a personal message scribbled on it about doing some work for the site. Cue flashback — snogging three older men in their fourties (bearing in mind I'm a first year uni student). Then my friend calls me and tells me I got bollocked by the bouncers for being too provocative against the bar with a friend. Needless to say I have absolutely no idea what happened for the most part of that night. But I had a nice surprise when I woke up and found my friend there with me in my bed."
"Last time I got drunk in a club, I then proceeded to recreate Beyonce's 'Single Ladies' dance routine in the middle of the dance floor. 'Single Ladies' wasn't even on. People were staring. I felt like a rock star."
"Last time I was drunk in a club I was flirting with a girl and somehow managed to knee her in the face."
"I woke up on a friend's bathroom floor in clothes that weren't my own."
"I was dancing atrociously to Womanizer by Britney and when it came to that bit in the video where she wiggles her boobs in the restaraunt I did the same, complete with hair swooshing- only for my very expensive D&G prescription glasses to fly off my face and in to the crowd. What followed was an hour of crawling around the dancefloor trying to find aforementioned glasses with the light from my mobile. Eventually, a woman hands them to me, having discovered my glasses in her snakebite."
"Last time I got drunk in a pub was last night with work people. Having been drinking since 9.30 (in a meeting), drinking did not stop till 11pm. Ended up going to a strip bar (I'm a girl) with a few 'very senior' guys — then ended up back in a bar in Picadilly, copying the girl's dance moves in front of 'very senior' guys and the whole of my office."
"I had sex in a lesbian bar while the cheeky girls did a PA, the shame being that the gig stopped after the sounds drowned out the singing."
"I arrived at the club already fairly drunk . . when I was inside I preceded to drink more and more . . then [and because god loves me] I spotted my manager.I ran up to her babbling on about how much I loved her [shame].thankfully she was even more drunk than I was and we preceded to 'get down and dance' much to the delight of our friends who snapped away with the camera.About 10 vodka and cokes and 10 [while were waiting for the other drink] shots,I was now polluted and kept dropping my drinks and blaming random strangers for 'pushing me'. At one of the last songs [it could of been Love Machine] I grabbed my managers nephew [whom she tried to pair me off with earlier in the night and I was having none of it coz he wasnt great looking ] and started dancing,falling around and then kissing [more shame] him in the middle of the dancefloor. I then met my manager,she passed out,we brought her to her friends house and then everything else is a blur.I woke up in her brand new apartment,in her bed,with her nephew and then got sick all over her brand new bathroom."
"I actually fell asleep, standing up on the dancefloor and then for some reason I punched my friend in the boob."
"I had gone to France to play on a youth orchestra course, only to find my ex-boyfriend was also going to be coming so we went out to a karaoke club with a group of friends for a bon old time. We shared cocktails such as "Love Potion" and "Island of Torture". Then I saw my ex talk to another boy so I got up and left. Not knowing where the hotel was, I found myself in shadowy wood, because the proper road had disappeared, sobbing my eyes out and calling my friends in London asking them to "fucking just look-up the map to the hotel on google" which was to no avail. What seemed like hours (actually: minutes) later my ex showed up and was a vision, not dissimilar to when Beyonce came out from behind the screens to a hysterical Alexandra. He put me to bed once we made the 2 minute walk to the hotel."
"The last time i was drunk i got up on to a table and started dancing like mad. Within seconds i had kicked a glass, which made the table wet which made me slip and fall of the table and the dj stopped the music and everyone just looked at me. It was so embarrasing."
"I managed to fall down the same set of stairs twice in 15 mins, the 2nd time I landed on my ass and broke my coxyx."
"I woke up the next morning to find my shoes in the shower because somehow I had managed to be sick IN them (I still can't quite remember how.)"
"Last time I was in a club I had to watch my sister be sick over 3 of my friends, a table and the floor and then help 2 bouncers carry her down 2 flights of stairs, and then ring my dad to come and get her. It wasnt even 11 o clock."
"It was Christmas last year, id been drinking copious amounts of beer from jugs, and spirits and shots, we were at our final pub for the night, i ordered two scotch and cokes, she made one, gave it to me, then went to make another one. i downed the first one, and then vomited it back up into the same glass, then left it on the bar while she started at with the horrified look on her face. i then washed it down the sink for her, and she had me removed from the bar. i still didn't get my second drink."
"i danced on the tables fell off and broke my leg :("
"i was in Snobs in Birmingham, and i was getting it on with a girl on the dancefloor when i may have wee'ed myself. and then my friends wouldnt let me leave. and then when we did leave, i ended up getting lost, and having to sleep rough. AND then i woke up late, had to find my car, and drive back to cheshire — straight to work. stinking."
"Killed my cat when I got home, unfortunately."
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