Who should do a massive fuck-off remix of the Star Wars theme?

Not sure if you're aware, but there's a new Star Wars film coming out. That's right, C‑3PO, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Mulder and indeed Scully are all back back back.

There's not much about it online but a trailer has just appeared, despite the fact the film isn't actually out until December 2015 (!). And they say pop music is obsessed with teasers.

Anyway, I'm not here today to discuss the ins and outs of the con­vo­luted storyline, the surprise casting or where it will fit in the lineage of the Star Wars epics so far. I am here, obviously, to discuss the music and who should update John Williams' horn-led main theme, ie this little ditty below:

Before you get your knickers in a twist, I am aware that John Williams is back onboard to do the music. That's fine. I'm glad for John, he's a good guy. But this is 2014/15 and soundtracks are big business. Yes Taylor Swift's '1989' album will sell quite well, but will it match the Frozen soundtrack's 3.5m sales in the US alone? One Direction's 'Four' is selling pretty well so far, but can it catch the soundtrack to Guardians Of The Galaxy (500,000 sales and counting) by the end of the year? Also, not being funny, but Lorde's soundtrack thing for that new Hunger Games film is one of the best things to emerge in 2014.

What I'm saying here is, yes we need to maintain the 'essence' of this Star Wars theme but at the same time, let's whack a massive donk on it, slap it on an album and watch it sail to the top of the charts for six months.

Here are some options for sonic reswizz­lers if the film's producers are stuck for ideas.

CALVIN HARRIS

Obviously. Obviously! The original has all the ingredi­ents for a Calvo banger: a recog­nis­able riff, some nice calm bits to bolt a massive drop on the end of, enough space to fill up with lots of unne­ces­sary sonic squiggles and — most excit­ingly — he has a Rolodex of singers to warble something deep and mean­ing­ful about Freudian night­mares over the top. Imagine.

AVICII

There seems to be more to our friend Avicii than just being a typical EDM producer. He has, dare I say it, a touch of finesse about his work that sometimes gets over­looked when enduring 'Wake Me Up' for the millionth time. Mind you, having said that, film soundtracks don't always need finesse do they? Sometimes you just want to hear a massive, bowel-punc­tur­ing goliath playing over a scene of some distant planet or something. There's not much subtlety about John Williams' original version so I say get Avicii and his hands-in-the-air synth riffs and fucking banjo and let's do this right.

ZEDD

See above but probably a bit cheaper to be honest.

MADEON

Look, Madeon's basically a genius so could do this in a heartbeat. In fact, he's probably already done it 'just for fun' anyway. It's probably lying around on a hard drive somewhere so it wouldn't take too much effort for him to email it over to George Lucas or whoever and 'make it so' (a little Star Wars reference for you there!!).

DAFT PUNK

French laughing boys Daft Punk have 'previous' in this sort of field having already worked with Disney — who are releasing the new Star Wars film after they brought it for shitloads of cash — on the soundtrack for Tron a few years ago. Obviously in their hands the theme tune would likely be slowed down, elongated and made to sound pretty boring, but there would also be a chance they'd turn it into a big disco-tinged wedding anthem and you can't say fairer than that really.

M83

This is probably who they will get to do it isn't it? That's if this is even happening at all. But if it does, it will likely be dance-producer-for-bores fun abuser M83 and I'll likely enjoy it once and then never listen to it again.

Or, OR, why not just get someone in to make a soundtrack album of songs that don't even need to be in the film itself. John can keep the theme tune and take the day off.

And for that we only need one person:

LORDE

Lorde's not got a lot on at the moment having finished touring 'Pure Heroine' and per­form­ing 'Yellow Flicker Beat' like a woman possessed on seemingly every US TV show. She's also pretty good at cobbling together an amazing list of people to make a proper soundtrack, so why not just give the whole thing over to her. She could get a handful of her mates to write some songs that feature some of the general themes of the film — love, family, fighting, er, space — then write a couple of new ones herself, get Kanye to remix one of them and Bob's your geeky uncle. Sia should be involved too just because she's done this Annie remake and can knock out a good song in the time it takes most people to take a shit.

You're welcome.