:: Despite now being as English as ale pie and having shot everything alive on her Westcountry estate, Madonna is under the impression that Britain has only one city, although she has not specified which. Smart money is on St Helens.
:: Justin Timberlake has officially split up with his actress girlfriend, probably after seeing all those pictures of Britney and realising what he was missing. COME ON YOU TWO SORT IT OUT.
:: Sarah Harding is spending a lot of time with Heidi and Amelle Sugababe having 'girlie nights'. Whatever that may involve these days for women in their mid twenties.
:: Kelly Osbourne has volunteered to take all her clothes off for Playboy. She is expecting payment.
:: Britney got paid for her New Year's Eve Las Vegas snooze-a-thon. The best most of us can hope to go home with on New Year's Eve is someone else's coat; Britney was paid over Â£200,000.
:: Jo O'Meara is no longer the favourite to win Celebrity Big Brother on account of her being a sourfaced old moaner.
:: Kylie is the best dressed woman in the world. Britney is the worst. Kylie has also had a new waxwork made at Madame Tussaud's because the old one had its arse rubbed away by all the visitors. Which reminds us of some people we know, but that's a different story…
And there you have it.