A few weeks ago we let you know that we had an idea involving a bucket. Due to underwhelming public demand we will now tell you all about that idea.
THE PROBLEM
The pop charts are in a state of flux. It's all very confusing. Which singles are hits, we often ask ourselves, and which 'hit singles' have simply been the result of some very carefully engineered behind-the-scenes jiggery pokery?
WHAT'S NEEDED
What we need is some sort of 'control' element. Something against which meaningful theories regarding success, fame and popularity can be measured. But what is that control?
OUR SOLUTION
Once a year, every recording artist is required by law to record the sound of themselves shitting into a yellow bucket. This recording is then put on sale — with no promotion or any other attempt to draw attention to its existence — via iTunes and all other usual outlets. The idea is that if someone will buy the sound of an artist shitting into a yellow bucket, they'll buy anything, so their purchase means less than someone who, say, just likes the song. A chart is then compiled of which artist's bucketshitting releases are most popular. A second UK Top 40, running alongside the official UK Top 40, is then constructed, weighted according to this 'Bucket Index'.
HOW THIS WORKS IN REAL LIFE
Idiot: W00t! Katy Perry has outsold Robyn — she is therefore a better artist!
Non-idiot: Well if you look at the Bucket Index Katy has a score of 0.1, so in real terms Robyn's success is far greater.
Our next step will be to make sure all major labels are on board — it won't work if, say, Sony break ranks and just do whatever they want — and we'll also need to be sure that major radio networks won't suddenly decide not to playlist acts who are on the Bucket Index. Finally, of course, we'll need a few acts to start things off. We'd probably go for Lady Gaga, Example and Parade.
Look it's not perfect but it's a start, right? Right.