A lot of people are talking about Spotify at the moment. Some people are talking about how they like Spotify and some people are talking about how they don't like Spotify, but not many people are actually talking to Spotify.

Don't they realise that Spotify is a human being with real feelings and a very real need to be loved? Maybe all it needs is a friend. Or perhaps, even, someone who'll be more than a friend.

We're not very good at smalltalk so let's chat to Spotify about music. That's pretty safe common ground.

Hello Spotify. How are you today?

pj_189

Okay, straight into the music chat. That's fine. Well it's funny you should mention Icona Pop — we've played them quite a lot recently but that's when we've been with iTunes and it's a bit early on in the chat to be talking about past rela­tion­ships so can we move the con­ver­sa­tion on a bit please?

pj_188

Thanks for the offer, but we're not so keen on 'checking out' music just because it happens to be popular. If you go by what's popular, you're just going to end up listening to Ed Sheeran aren't you.

pj_186

Oh dear.

What else do you have?

pj_187

Well for a start don't sound so defeated, Spotify. "Give it a try" is just a sigh and a shrug away from "you might as well, we'll all be dead in a hundred years anyway so it doesn't really matter". And as it happens yes actually we have heard this song. We like it, although it makes more sense as a Robbie single than as a Dizzee one. What do you think, Spotify?

pj_185

Alright, you don't want to talk about Robbie and Dizzee. That's fine. But Spotify. Spotify, Spotify, Spotify. You know better than this. You know we only listened to Carolina Liar as part of our Maximum Martin playlist, which was invented to celebrate the song­writ­ing and pro­duc­tion excel­lence of Max Martin. You know the con­nec­tion we made. And you know you've made the wrong one. We're starting to wonder if you really know us at all.

pj_184

Just because we've listened to one 90s buffoon it doesn't mean we'll listen to any old shit.

pj_183

Alright, we'll listen to this old shit.

pj_182

NO.

pj_181

NO.

pj_180

NO. (Alright a couple of the ballads if you insist)

We're getting on reas­on­ably well now, Spotify. It's hard to believe that we've known each other for a couple of years but it's taken this long for us to have a proper chat. Maybe we should move our rela­tion­ship on to the next stage. Fancy a date?

pj_179

That would be great! It feels like we really 'get' each other, you know?

pj_178

Oh Spotify, what have you done.

pj_177

Now you're talking.

pj_174

We'll stick with Jessie Ware if that's okay, unless you know of a forth­com­ing Maroon 5 'gig' at which they will perform the only two Maroon 5 songs we've ever delib­er­ately listened to.

Anyway let's get back to talking about music. Do you want to know a pop fact? Okay, try this one: S Club 7 were ori­gin­ally called Sugar Club, or at least we think they were because we once saw some demos marked 'Sugar Club' on a shelf at their record label. That's quite inter­est­ing isn't it? Right? Okay, Spotify, hit us with a pop fact of your own.

pj_176

4/10.

pj_168

3/10.

Let's give up on the pop facts, they're clearly not your strong point. What shall we do instead?

pj_167

You really know how to bring a con­ver­sa­tion back from the brink, Spotify. And yes. Yes we will listen to 'Skyscraper' right now.

The problem is, once you've listened to 'Skyscraper', where do you go next? What could possibly top the epic emotacu­lar highs and lows of Lovato at her most vul­ner­able?

pj_171

This actually is exactly what we needed, although over two thousands World Cup Dance Tracks might be a bit excessive — we probably couldn't manage more than about 1500.

And there's another problem, Spotify, for our blos­som­ing romance. Because you have just told us that there are 499 people who subscribe to 'World Cup Dance Tracks'. And we're starting to think that maybe we'd like to hang out with them instead.

Suddenly, Spotify, you don't seem so attract­ive.

Is there anything you can do to win us back?

pj_165

YES YES YES SPOTIFY, LET'S RUN AWAY AND GET MARRIED AND LET'S HAVE A JAUNTY ATOMS FOR PEACE TUNE AS OUR FIRST DANCE BUT ONLY IF THE VENUE HAS A VALID PRS LICENCE AND YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE THAT THOM YORKE WILL BE CORRECTLY REMUNERATED.