Well, 'Swagger Jagger', because that is what we are dis­cuss­ing here, leaked last night (it's here until it's not) and it can teach us eight (AND ONLY EIGHT) things about pop and life and the bits in between.

They are.

1. More vocals should turn into sirens.

2. The "on the floor" pop­lyr­ical jug­ger­naut is showing no signs of slowing. Isaac Newton would be proud.

3. Gwen Stefani has a lot to answer for.

4. 'Oh My Darling Clementine' should never be used in a pop song.

5. The long and harrowing wait for the first appear­ance of "YouTubing" in a pop song is now over.

6. A phrase like "get your game up" is what happens when people write songs for people off The X Factor. Just be grateful they avoided "you smashed it", but feel slightly sad that there isn't a "STOP THE MUSIC!".

7. If you like Cher Lloyd you are correct and if you don't like Cher Lloyd you are jealous. Or at least that is how the world works inside Cher Lloyd's head. "I am amazing and if anyone says anything to suggest otherwise it is just because they want to steal and/or are jealous of my swag etc etc etc." Imagine what it must be like to go through life believing that sort of thing. It would probably be quite pleasant, really. Being so detached from reality or any sense of respons­ib­il­ity. Dismissing anyone who disagrees with you as 'a hater'. A bit like being really hot and really stupid, but with an extra dose of enti­tle­ment. Bizarre.
8. Deciding to sound like Swedish House Mafia is a really exciting thing to do near the end of a song.

Do you know what, the first time we heard this we thought it was pretty good. Listening again, the good bits still sound good — and the "kiss kiss, I'll see you later" bit in the middle eight is so great we would actually like to live inside it — but the chorus is just unfor­giv­able*.

* By 'unfor­giv­able' we mean 'we will forgive her as soon as she gets to the second single if indeed she does manage to get to the second single before putting her foot in it on Twitter'