Tips For 2011

Well we don't know about you, viewers, but we're already getting a fairly good picture of which artists will be big in 2009 ('got their pub­li­cists to start sending press releases about this exciting new talent back in September'), but what about pop acts which aren't signed, aren't marketed and don't in fact even exist yet?

Let's go to the very beginning of some poten­tially very exciting careers and see who's advert­ising what in The Stage.

	Oh God please let this be from Kaos Theory, the Starship to Billiam's Jefferson Airplane. The first thing we think we like most about this advert­ise­ment is that no mention what­so­ever is made of singing or dancing ability, any sense of stage presence or even dexterity with hair straight­en­ers. The entrant must simply be good looking. Secondly, what's great is that whoever turns up to the audition will do so because they think they are good looking, but you just know it's going to be a hopeless parade of grotesque beasts. Whoever they are, we wish them luck for their tour in Febrary.
	Again, being 'beautiful' and 'slim' and being able to speak English (poor old Coyle, falling at the final hurdle) comes way above this ad's request for a vocal demo. Whatever. We're more inter­ested in the Grammy winning song­writer who's already on board this exciting project. We suspect Orrin Keepnews, 1988 winner of the Best Album Notes award for sleevenote writing.
	You don't to be beautiful for this one — just attract­ive. Nor do you need to be slim, so it's handy if you're a massive bastard who won't go anywhere without pulling behind them a massive truck of cream cakes and pies. Just as long as you're attract­ive. To be clear… Fat and attract­ive: yes. Slim and ugly: no. JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE A BLOODY REDHEAD OR THERE'S GOING TO BE TROUBLE. The request for a 'strong performer' also suggests that some weight lifiting exper­i­ence will be an advantage.
	This ad can be trans­lated as "Got the X‑Factor? Go on The X‑Factor then — it's a show for people with the X‑Factor. If that doesn't work due to you not having X‑Factor, come to us for a quote and we'll take your cash."
	*Lisa Scott-Lee assigns new number to speed dial*

Well it's good to have that sorted out. Don't forget, if any of this lot hit the big time, you read it here first.