Popjustice
  • Home
    • Briefing archive
  • Features
  • Playlists
  • Get Popjustice emails
  • About Popjustice
    • About
    • Popjustice: Est 2000
    • The Popjustice Twenty Quid Music Prize
  • Contact
    • General contact details
    • Submit music
  • Forum
Recent Posts
  • New Music Monday: Griff's Black Hole is super, and massive
  • New Music Friday: Let's kick off 2021 with some KLF
  • The Top 45 Singles Of 2020
  • New Music Friday: Mae Muller doesn't want to be dependent
  • New Music Friday: There's a big one from Royal & The Serpent
Hello! In theory you should only be seeing this if you're using a mobile or tablet. How's the site looking? If anything's wonky click here and tell us so we can fix it. Thanks! x
Popjustice
  • Briefing
  • Features
  • Playlists
    • New Music Friday: The Popjustice Edit
    • Big Hit Energy
    • 21st Century Pop
    • 2018% Solid Pop Music
    • Full archive
  • About
    • About Popjustice
    • Contacting Popjustice
    • Send music
    • Popjustice: Est 2000
    • The Popjustice Twenty Quid Music Prize
  • Forum
  • The Briefing

Tips For 2011

  • December 8, 2008
  • Popjustice

Well we don't know about you, viewers, but we're already getting a fairly good picture of which artists will be big in 2009 ('got their pub­li­cists to start sending press releases about this exciting new talent back in September'), but what about pop acts which aren't signed, aren't marketed and don't in fact even exist yet?

Let's go to the very beginning of some poten­tially very exciting careers and see who's advert­ising what in The Stage.

Oh God please let this be from Kaos Theory, the Starship to Billiam's Jefferson Airplane. The first thing we think we like most about this advert­ise­ment is that no mention what­so­ever is made of singing or dancing ability, any sense of stage presence or even dexterity with hair straight­en­ers. The entrant must simply be good looking. Secondly, what's great is that whoever turns up to the audition will do so because they think they are good looking, but you just know it's going to be a hopeless parade of grotesque beasts. Whoever they are, we wish them luck for their tour in Febrary.
Again, being 'beautiful' and 'slim' and being able to speak English (poor old Coyle, falling at the final hurdle) comes way above this ad's request for a vocal demo. Whatever. We're more inter­ested in the Grammy winning song­writer who's already on board this exciting project. We suspect Orrin Keepnews, 1988 winner of the Best Album Notes award for sleevenote writing. 
You don't to be beautiful for this one — just attract­ive. Nor do you need to be slim, so it's handy if you're a massive bastard who won't go anywhere without pulling behind them a massive truck of cream cakes and pies. Just as long as you're attract­ive. To be clear… Fat and attract­ive: yes. Slim and ugly: no. JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE A BLOODY REDHEAD OR THERE'S GOING TO BE TROUBLE. The request for a 'strong performer' also suggests that some weight lifiting exper­i­ence will be an advantage.
This ad can be trans­lated as "Got the X‑Factor? Go on The X‑Factor then — it's a show for people with the X‑Factor. If that doesn't work due to you not having X‑Factor, come to us for a quote and we'll take your cash."
*Lisa Scott-Lee assigns new number to speed dial*

Well it's good to have that sorted out. Don't forget, if any of this lot hit the big time, you read it here first.

  • lisa scott-lee
Previous Article
  • The Briefing

Quite A Good Poppers O'Clock Remix Of A Song From The Girls Aloud Album

  • December 8, 2008
  • Popjustice
Have a read
Next Article
  • Videos

Ladyhawke — My Delerium

  • December 8, 2008
  • Brad O'Mance
Have a read
Further listening
Greatest hits
  • April 30, 2265: A Warning.
  • Ten features we want in the Lady Gaga iPad app
  • Kylie Minogue interview: "I do like cosmic thoughts"
Further reading
  • 1
    New Music Monday: Griff's Black Hole is super, and massive
  • 2
    New Music Friday: Let's kick off 2021 with some KLF
  • 3
    The Top 45 Singles Of 2020
  • 4
    New Music Friday: Mae Muller doesn't want to be dependent
  • 5
    New Music Friday: There's a big one from Royal & The Serpent
  • 6
    New Music Friday: Baby Queen takes the throne
Est 2000. Still going.
Socials

 Spotify
 Facebook
 Twitter
 Instagram
 Soundcloud

'Quick links'

About Popjustice
Contact Popjustice
Sign up for the news­let­ter
Submit music
Est 2000
Twenty Quid Music Prize

Playlists

21st Century Pop
New Music Friday: The Popjustice Edit
2018% Solid Pop Music
The Sound Of Popjustice
Playlist archive

© 2020 Popjustice Ltd. Scrolled to the bottom now you're here
  • Privacy, Ts & Cs, cookies etc
  • Corrections

Input your search keywords and press Enter.