x-factor-who'll-win

This weekend three things will happen.

1. Adele will sing a song on The X Factor in a last-ditch attempt to sell some copies of her new album. It's sad, really, watching the campaign fall apart like this, but an X Factor per­form­ance might help her label recoup some of their costs. Don't buy the album out of pity though, ladies and gentlemen. Sometimes people need to learn harsh lessons.

2. LITTLE MIX AND FLEUR EAST WILL DO A SONG TOGETHER. If it's anything approach­ing the amaz­ing­ness of this triumph it could be one of the greatest moments in X Factor history.

3. This year's X Factor winner will be decided.

We can't stop points one and two AND NOR WOULD WE WANT TO but you might be able to do something about what happens with the third. But who should you vote for — and who are these people?

Here are your 2015 X Factor finalists.

Che Chesterman

Che Chesterman

Che Chesterman, a singer so good they sort of named him twice and who will hence­forth be known on Popjustice as Cchheesterman, is a man. With two eyes, a func­tion­ing res­pir­at­ory system and opposable thumbs — not to mention a mouth that opens and closes — Cchheesterman is all you want in a popstar. Older than he once was but at the same time younger than he will one day be, Cchheesterman often wears shirts (pictured) but sometimes does not. On his lower half trousers are a frequent feature, but shorts are an option in hot weather.

Louisa Johnson

Louisa Johnson

Unlike Cchheesterman, who is a man, Louisa Johnson is a lady. She is not a member of the family behind Johnson & Johnson, the famous earbud man­u­fac­tur­ers. Nor is she related to Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. What is it that makes Louisa such a great performer? It's hard to pinpoint every quality that has brought her to the X Factor final, so mul­ti­fa­ceted is her appeal, but it's hard to imagine audiences are unim­pressed by her ability to sing a song without falling over. Louisa has longer hair than Cchheesterman but this could change if she cuts her hair or Cchheesterman grows his. Louisa has a balanced diet and a good set of teeth. She was born.

Reggie N Bollie

Reggie N Bollie

Alright, let's get down to business. What we have here, in the form of two hat-wearing men, is the potential for The X Factor to be won — for the first time in its twelve year history — by an act boasting actual X Factor. What do we mean by X Factor? Well by its very nature it's hard to put your finger on it, but what we're basically dealing with here is an act that can't really do its job as well as boring people, but remains fun to watch having a bash. Presumably R&B ended up on the live finals at least partly as LOL-fodder but the euphoria they've brought to the show each week is impossible to ignore and if Syco get it right could end up selling (music biz term) a shitload of records.

SO WHO DESERVES YOUR VOTE?

None of these people deserve anything from you. They each entered the show purely on the basis of self-interest. They do not deserve your vote any more than a juggler deserves a speedboat. But vote for Reggie 'N' Bollie.