Viewers! Let's just pause briefly on this Tuesday morning to examine the new Shayne Ward video.
* Shayne Ward hangs around a girl in a bar. He's trying to get her attention! "Look! It's me off X Factor! What time is it? It's Shayne Ward time!"
* Perhaps wisely, the girl ignores Shayne Ward.
* Shayne Ward tries to touch the girl. She's not having any of it. Shayne Ward seems upset.
* Shayne Ward follows the girl home TO HER FLAT.
* Instead of immediately molesting her, Shayne Ward first opts to watch the girl undress.
* The girl then goes onto the roof IN HER PANTS in order to escape Shayne Ward.
* Shayne Ward follows her onto the roof and starts touching the girl in her bathing suit area. This is going to end messily.
* SHAYNE WARD TURNS INTO HIS OWN GRAVESTONE!!!!
* Ghost Of Shayne Ward dances with the girl in the middle of the road in oddly perilous necrophiliac groove 'effort'.
* Ghost Of Shayne Ward stops girl being run over by a bus. Page 3 in the Zombie Stalker's Rulebook: "Touching up ladies is fine — don't let them get run over". Brilliant.
* Ghost Of Shayne Ward wanders off, no doubt doomed to 'walk the night' and molest pretty ladies in pop videos until and beyond the end of time itself, trapped in a mid-tempo Hell of his own creation etc etc etc.
A truly astonishing piece of work.
Of course, this poses more questions than it answers, the most important question being: if you were to be unwittingly molested from beyond the grave by any dead popstar, which popstar would you choose? Email us now!