Eight weeks into The Big Reunion and I’m no longer sure I can remember a life before my Thursday nights consisted of watching middle-aged pop singers attempting to bodypop with dodgy ankles and having emotional moments in front of the camera.
I’m worried that when – if — the show comes to an end, I’ll lose all grip on reality and end up wandering the streets, grabbing total strangers and asking them if they know what [email protected] are up to these days.
Until then, here are some things that happened this week. A lot of them will probably happen next week too, and every week forever more, until we’re all watching a bunch of desiccated skeletons arguing over who gets to sing lead on 'Whole Again'.
Honeyz fashion wars
The Honeyz are in a panic because the costume designer isn’t keen on them reviving their 'signature blue jackets' look. If, like me, you're upset at the thought of having to accept the Honeyz in anything other than this timeless, iconic ensemble, you’ll be relieved to hear that they got their way.
The Post-Blue Blues
Because Blue were late to the party, a lot of this episode was taken up with reassuring us that life after pop stardom was just as wretched for the 'Fly By II' hitmakers as it was for everyone else on this show. Duncan struggled to come to terms with his sexuality, Simon’s solo career fizzled out, Lee was forced to flee the country and Antony ended up losing his house. On the plus side, they all seem to have enjoyed Eurovision.
Popstars are just a big bunch of Batmophobes
This is apparently the medical term for a crippling fear of stairs. Celena from the Honeyz visibly quivers, and Jessica from Liberty X turns the air blue when they hear that they’re going to have to walk and sing at the same time. Not to be unsympathetic, but last time I saw P'!'nk in concert she got fired out of a bloody cannon. Maybe there’s a reason some people end up on shows like this…
But a staircase is nothing compared to The Mechanical Toaster of Doom
Remember that amazing bit in Beyoncé’s Super Bowl performance where Kelly and Michelle popped up from beneath the ground for a Destiny’s Child medley? That’s totally de rigueur for pop shows now, and it’s put the shits right up Liz from Atomic Kitten, who darts offstage like a startled deer when a practice shot doesn’t go to her liking.
The Andi Peters voiceover gets more ridiculous with every episode
Choice lines from this week’s show:
- "With less enormous testicles than he’d thought, Anthony Costa had hit rock bottom…"
- "It was a gamble, but with the taste of kangaroo anus came a new taste of life in the spotlight…"
- "Despite launching a solo career, Simon was flailing in existential quicksand"
There was also a Lee Ryan/Saving Private Ryan pun so dodgy it actually defies the written word. Only a man who spent the first half of his career conversing with a crudely designed mallard could get through all that with a straight face.
Next week – thank you sweet merciful creator – they actually do get on stage for the Hammersmith show. This might just mean the end is nigh — though I’m sure they can stretch it out for another episode or seven with another shot of creative last-minute casting. Seriously, what are [email protected] up to these days?