1. "Oh my God I can't believe what they've done to Rihanna's new single 'S&M'."
2. "What can't you believe?"
3. "Well Radio 1 cut out all the references to S&M and even changed the title to 'Come On'. It's political correctness gone mad!"
4. "Surely all that has happened is that a song about sadomasochism, a song designed not purely but at least partially to raise eyebrows has, true to its aim, raised eyebrows. What did you expect?"
5. "BUT IT'S CENSORSHIP!"
6. "Yes well what Rihanna didn't say in her outraged tweet — perhaps because she didn't know anything about it which is a whole different issue — was that her label actually censored the song themselves in order to get it on daytime radio then gave it to Radio 1, who'll continue to play the proper version during evening shows. You don't seem to have grasped the fact that a song gaily extolling the virtues of being smacked about for sexlolz is not really daytime radio fodder."
7. "It's not up to the BBC to decide what its audience can and can't listen to."
8. "So what do you want? 'S&M' played back to back on CBeebies? Perhaps Katie Waissel's gran could turn up on Blue Peter with a strap-on and systematically bum her way through a queue of soldiers while her granddaughter sings a medley of Rihanna hits in the background."
9. "Now you are just being silly. 'S&M' is just a pop song! They play songs about sex on Radio 1 all the time."
10. "Well yes, but firstly perhaps it's surprising thing is that they are not censored, not that 'S&M' is censored, and secondly they are rarely so explicit. There is, usually, at least some sort of metaphor involved."
11. "Rihanna says that the song is about scandal and the media though, so it's not even about S&M."
12. "But the title, chorus and other lyrics directly relate to sadomasochism. Saying 'S&M' is not about S&M is a bit like calling your new single 'The Fisting Song' and having a line in it like "I enjoy having a clenched fist inserted into my anus, that is a thing I really enjoy", and then turning around and going "ah well you see it is not actually about the sexual act of fisting, it is about something else because it is a clever metaphor"."
13. "But Rihanna says it's about scandal and the media and has been quoted saying 'I don't think of it in a sexual way … I'm thinking metaphorically', and she knows what she's talking about because she sings the song. Look, here she is talking about it on MTV."
14. "Well it's nice that she thinks that but it's sort of bollocks isn't it. Surely it's more the case that a) she's made that up as an way of somehow justifying the song to herself and now believes her own lie, b) she knows exactly what it's all about and is trying to pull off a tongue-in-cheek, faux-coy 'who me?' move in an attempt to make sure her song is still played on the radio, or c) the whole 'it's a metaphor' thing is how she was sold the song when the people who wrote it gave it to her and she unquestioningly went 'oh alright then' while everyone else went 'bloody hell she's fallen for it'. Hopefully it's b)."
15. "Why are you being so snobbish about people not writing their own songs?"
16. "No that's not the point at all, the point is that Rihanna has either invented or been fed a load of utter horseshit when it comes to explaining away what is very clearly a song that is explicitly, transparently and undeniably supposed to be seen as being about sadomasochism. It seems completely ridiculous to release a song called 'S&M' with lyrics about being excited by chains and whips and to then start wailing about how unfair it is when people think it's about sex. Can't everyone just be honest about how this is exactly what they expected to happen, and exactly what they wanted to happen?"
17. "You seem to be suggesting that this is some sort of a publicity stunt aimed at getting people talking about the song."
18. "Well if it is, you've fallen for it."
19. "And so have you."
20. "Oh dear."