The video opens with a shot of Lady Gaga and her friends in a screening room, about to watch the video for 'Bad Romance'. Very post­mod­ern. Note the solitary dog. :(
Readers we're inter­ested in pur­chas­ing a Philippe Starck-designed home audio visual control system but are having
trouble thinking of one, can any of you apropos of nothing and off the top
of your heads suggest one?
Actually while you're at it we're also thinking of pur­chas­ing some vodka but are having trouble choosing a brand, can anyone apropos of nothing and off the top of their heads suggest one?
These look a bit like those storage things people keep on the tops of their cars but that wouldn't make for a very exciting pop video so let's wait and see what happens shall we.
We pull back to find out that the roof rack car things are in fact in Bath Haus Of Gaga. This is a play on the whole Haus Of Gaga thing. You can see what they've done there. It is a bath house. Do you see.
Some ladies begin crawling out of the roof rack pod things. You don't get that in Halfords.
Lady Gaga in a bath. Her eyes have been made to look big like in those Government drugs com­mer­cials and there may indeed be some sug­ges­tion here that ladies fed into the traf­fick­ing system are fed loadsa drugs all the time but it's probably nothing more than a coin­cid­ence in terms of those TV ads.
Readers we're inter­ested in pur­chas­ing a celebrity-endorsed, in-ear headphone solution but are having trouble choosing a brand, can anyone apropos of nothing and off the top of their heads make any sug­ges­tions?
Here's Lady Gaga being forced to drink some booze. She is being forced to do this by OTHER LADIES which makes the message of the video (we're not sure if there actually is a message actually) all the more poignant and dark, don't you think?
This is the best bit in the whole video, when Gaga sort of looks away from the camera in a slightly pensive fashion. IT IS AN EXPRESSION YOU NEVER SEE IN POP VIDEOS. Chiefly because v few pop videos are about sex traf­fick­ing.
Lady Gaga is forced to dance for potential clients. The clients are all drinking vodka. We wonder if there is someone somewhere at a certain vodka company having a handful of slightly fraught meetings with their boss about whether this might be the least flat­ter­ing product placement escapade of all time. 
Come on. Someone must be able to suggest a decent brand of vodka. Someone. Anyone? No? Nobody? No? Fine.  
Lady Gaga on the loo.
Bids are placed for Lady Gaga. When it gets to a million the deal is done.
Readers we're inter­ested in pur­chas­ing a new laptop computing device but are having trouble choosing a reputable man­u­fac­turer, can anyone apropos
of nothing and off the top of their heads make any sug­ges­tions?
There's some good bullet time-style action here with Lady Gaga a-warblin' amid a cloud of hovering diamonds.
Here she is sporting the gyroscope thing from the Monster Ball promo shots. This is nothing to do with the plot of the video and is just here because it looks quite good. We are sorry if this offends your prin­ciples re narrative structure but sometimes in a pop video you just need to stand around in a massive gyroscope and this is one of those times.
This bit is a bit like the gyroscope shot above in that it's just an excuse to sit around in another frock. As you might have guessed we're deep into 'middle eight' territory here and that is tra­di­tion­ally the point in the video where it is per­miss­ible to do something that doesn't fit in properly. IT'S ALL FINE.
Having been purchased, Lady Gaga is on her way to The Rumpo Area wearing a frock with a polar bear hanging out of the back of it. You may laugh but we've all at one point or another been out in a bar or club and started walking out of the toilet with a bit of loo roll stuck to one of our shoes, and this is exactly the same except with a polar bear.
Readers we're inter­ested in pur­chas­ing some new sunglasses but are having trouble choosing a brand, can anyone apropos
of nothing and off the top of their heads make any sug­ges­tions?
Lady Gaga and pals are now dressed in red. You can tell things are about to get exciting.
And they do. Lady Gaga bursts into flames. DON'T THROW WATER ON IT THAT WILL MAKE IT WORSE. Oh hang on that's chip pans isn't it.
Et voila: the man is dead having been burned to death by Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga is frazzled but will be fine when she's had a bit of a sit down.

1. Sex traf­fick­ing is a bad thing and might burn you to death.
2. We would love all the product placement in this video about pros­ti­tu­tion to be a delib­er­ate statement about the nature of modern-day art vs commerce but we think that would proabably be overthink­ing things a bit and it's really just product placement for cash.
3. Here is the video in case you would like to watch it.


Now, if anyone can recommend any vodka, laptops, head­phones or sunglasses that would be great.