A new Kylie Minogue album is always a special, magical thing.
Clearly, the first review should do justice to the gift we have all been handed by the pop gods, and it should be executed in a new, exciting way that pushes back boundaries of online music journalism.
But we couldn't think of one, so here are the tracks in reverse order of amazingness.
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13'Sexy Love'
It's: one of those Kylie songs that with the very best will in the world will never represent anything more than the missed opportunity for something better to be on the album. A waste of space, if you will; not a bad song per se, just a filler.
The best bit is: hard to pinpoint, but if you like the idea of a 'Fever'-era b‑side in 2014 then you're going to explode when you hear this.
Kylie Moment? The "every time I look at you" bit in the chorus is probably the nearest this song gets to a Kylie Moment, but it comes nowhere near the legal minimum requirement for a true Kylie Moment.
12'Sexercize'
It's: another early disappointment, we're afraid, if you too were hoping this album's trio of absurdly-titled sextunes would create a pyramid of glory at the heart of 'Kiss Me Once'. It's definitely a song about fucking so it doesn't disappoint on that level but it's not exactly bursting with melody; instead it's a churning, bassy, downbeat sort of affair. It wouldn't have sounded out of place on 'X'.
The best bit is: "Bounce bounce bounce bounce."
Kylie Moment? NONE.
11'Mr President'
It's: probably the song on the album (except it's not properly on the album, being a bonus track, but we're all going to do our own iTunes playlists aren't we) that has most in common with 'Skirt'. It's all a bit silly ("Hey Mr President, you're such a gentleman, it's such an honour to meet ya; Hey Mr President I'll be your Marilyn and baby I'll never leave you") but quite good fun.
The best bit is: SHE SOUNDS LIKE ALESHA DIXON IN THE SECOND VERSE.
Kylie Moment? Kylie Moments are absent from this song.
10'Beautiful'
It's: a song that poses more questions than it answers. Two questions above all others: 'Why the Vocoder?' and 'Why the Enrique?'. But Radio 2 seem to like it — they played it yesterday — and maybe that's the only answer you need.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxh_SnfSrk8
The best bit is: The chorus — when it kicks off with the whole "after all this time" business — is pretty great, but the vocal effects are always going to see this tune relegated to the 'enchanting curiosity' corner of most fans' music libraries.
Kylie Moment? "Still… The… One."
09'Fine'
It's: somewhere between mid-tempo and up-tempo, and it's an empowerment anthem. It's about turning your face "into the sun" if things seem shit, which is all very well but not great advice for anyone wallowing in despair at the recent loss of their sunglasses. The songwriting's a bit weak in the verses with lots of repeated bits ("the night, the night, the night, is full of tears you cry, you cry, you cry") and oh-not-you-again tropes like "when you feel everything's impossible".
The best bit is: a short vocal sample that pops up at various points.
Kylie Moment? None but don't worry there'll be some along in a bit.
Below this line is where things start to get really good.
08'I Was Gonna Cancel'
It's: the Pharrell one. An album track, but a good one.
The best bit is: "HEY!" (and the line about the shovel).
Kylie Moment? Not yet.
07'Sleeping With The Enemy'
It's: a bonus track that kicks off like 'Unfinished Sympathy', moves forward with slight hints of Pet Shop Boys' 'Behaviour' album, and while not making the earth shake ends up feeling like a rather splendid addition to the Minogue 'oeuvre'.
The best bit is: the "It's like I don't know who you are…" bit.
Kylie Moment? The big payoff at the end of the chorus — "suddenly now it seems, I'm sleeping with the enemy" — is pretty close to a Kylie moment.
06'Million Miles'
It's: an upbeat one about bodies going weak when they are touched.
The best bit is: "I feel so in-vi-si-ble…"
Kylie Moment? No big ones here we're afraid.
05'Les Sex'
It's: ridiculous and amazing. You've probably seen the clips from the Old Blue Last show by now, but if you haven't here's one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ix0vP-E5bI
The best bit is: "We could call it I don't care."
Kylie Moment? This is a great tune, and it's hard to imagine anyone else pulling it off, but there are no true Kylie Moments on offer.
04'Into The Blue'
It's: the first single, and probably the best choice of first single. It's Radio 1 enough to sound like Kylie hasn't given up on that part of her pop career completely, but Radio 2 enough to ensure that some fucker actually plays it.
The best bit is: "In-to the b…"
Kylie Moment? "…uloooo"
03'Feels So Good'
It's: a song which, as you know, has already been released once — under a different name — by Tom Aspaul. Kylie's version keeps the simplicity of Aspaul's while adding a few production flourishes.
The best bit is: "People come, people go, but I'd like to get to know you now."
Kylie Moment? This song is devoid of true Kylie Moments.
02'If Only'
It's: reflective and dramatic, like Cyndi Lauper's 'Time After Time' put through a 2014 enormoballad blender.
The best bit is: knowing that when Kylie heads off on the tour she'll inevitably announce either the week the single comes out or the week the album comes out, this will be what they call a 'live highlight'.
Kylie Moment? "True love is waiting in the wings… If only."
AND THE BEST KYLIE MINOGUE SONG
ON THE NEW KYLIE MINOGUE ALBUM
'KISS ME ONCE'
IS:
01'Kiss Me Once'
It's: a pensive, glorious mid-tempo extravaganza that redefines the term "explodes into chorus", could have worked just as well on either of Kylie's first two albums as it does on 'Kiss Me Once', proves that romance always wins over sex (as long as there's some sex somewhere else in the equation), will make grown men weep, makes you fall deeper in love with Kylie than you have ever been before, could save as many relationships as it ignites, and has bells in it.
The best bit is: "Me and you, baby we made it through." If we don't see at least two gentlemen doing their first dance to this on YouTube by the end of March something has gone very wrong with humanity.
Kylie Moment? This whole song is either a succession of different cascading Kylie moments, or one long Kylie moment from beginning to end.
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So: relatively few true Kylie Moments, but some great songs along the way.
We're giving this album a 7/10. And we've had a while to live with it so it's a proper 7/10 rather than the sort of 7/10 we gave to the Britney album which is, frankly, a 6/10 at best, and even then only on a good day.
Anyway you'll be able to hear the songs for yourself sooner than you might be expecting, and when you do hear it make sure you let us know what you think because this is a two-way street, you know.