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Rihannawatch: Threat Level Critical

Posted by Popjustice on Nov 24 2014 at about 13:00


This morning we have taken the step of shifting the Rihanna Single Threat Level to Critical status.

Please remain calm and read the following words.

An explanation of the Rihanna Single Threat Level system

As you well know, nosiness experts MI5 have in place a system of threat levels based on potential problems vis-a-vis the whole national security thing.

It’s split into five stages. We’ve basically copied those off the MI5 website and changed ‘an attack’ to ‘a Rihanna single’.

Low: A Rihanna single is unlikely
Moderate: A Rihanna single is possible, but not likely
Substantial: A Rihanna single is a strong possibility
Severe: A Rihanna single is highly likely
Critical: A Rihanna single is expected imminently

When we moved into Q4 almost two months ago, the Rihanna Single Threat Level (RSTL) moved from Substantial to Severe. As the days and weeks have ticked by, that threat has intensified.

As you can see, by moving the Rihanna Single threat level to Critical, we are acknowledging that a new Rihanna single could appear at any minute – and for this reason we suggest all readers remain on high alert. Actually is ‘high alert’ a different classification system to the threat level one? And where do RED ALERT and DEFCON 1 fit in? You get the idea, anyway.

Our intelligence

MI5 base their threat levels on “the assessment of a range of factors” including current intelligence, recent events and what’s known about intentions and capabilities. Our intelligence is bloody rubbish to be honest but the recent events and known intentions and capabilities provide COMPELLING EVIDENCE.

  • Someone we know said they’d heard the single would appear on November 24.
  • Another person we know said they’d heard it would be November 25.
  • The latest Rihanna has ever debuted a new single during Q4 is October 27, meaning that her new arrival is now a month overdue. If this was a baby they would have induced it a fortnight ago.
  • Obviously we all know she has been recording music, and Rihanna has confirmed that an album exists. David Guetta, Ne-Yo and DJ Mustard are among those who’ve recorded with her. Furthermore Calvin Harris recently announced that his submissions won’t appear on the album, suggesting that a tracklisting has been finalised.
  • Anyway we’re not here to talk about the album, all we want is a single.
  • Recent reports suggest something’s coming soon.
  • It’s not Q4 without Rihanna.
  • She’s not going to want to release it too close to Christmas because everyone loses all sense of reality from December 16 onwards.

There are loads more bits and bobs floating around but you don’t need this spelling out. Unless something goes horribly wrong or something annoying has happened, Rihanna could release a single at any moment.  Continue reading ‘Rihannawatch: Threat Level Critical’ »