An email we almost just sent to Calvin Harris

This has to be one of the most offensive emails we have ever nearly sent, and believe us we've nearly sent some pretty 'choice' emails in our time.

What's your favourite bit?

• The bit where we start picking holes in someone's new single?
• The fact that we do so as the single in question sits quite happily at Number One on iTunes?
• The fact that we admit to dicking around with the song because of course we and only we (and not the thousands of people who've worked on, A&Rd, marketed, DJd,  danced to and spent a quid on this song) know how to make it 'better'?
• The offer — which when we typed it we meant with all sincerity — to PayPal £12.99 to someone estimated by Forbes to be the world's highest-paid DJ, pulling in $46m in just twelve months?
• Or perhaps the cheerily pre­sump­tu­ous signoff of 'Cheers!' — no name, no apology for the strange request. 'Cheers!'

Having said all that, we are def­in­itely right.

If you take out the first bit where the song does indeed kicks off, you get a far better 'narrative arc'.

See for yourself (although due to some extra faffing at the start of the song's video the bit in question is between 1:16 and 1:46 in the YouTube window below).

If you've ever almost sent a grossly offensive email to a popstar please do get in touch.