Looking forward to tomorrow night's X Factor? So are we.
As the next show looms one wonders how many of last week's thousands of outraged viewers will be making good on their promise to boycott the show. A reasonable guess is somewhere in the region of twelve. Not twelve thousand, just twelve. 'People power' may be driving complaint culture in interesting (trans: tedious) new directions but it's flawed in two areas. Firstly, people are happy to bang on and on and fucking on about something but ask them to spend money on it and it all suddenly falls apart (see: the various attempts by 'the fans' to hype singles into the charts, and this week's very bad Chartjackers effort, for further details). Secondly, and this is worth mentioning in relation to The X Factor, self-righteous moaning is in many cases no more than posturing, a be-seen-to-be-caring mentality which means that people continue as they were behind closed doors, for example on a Saturday night in the privacy of their own home when they'll watch TYhe X Factor and fucking love it just like everyone else does.
One of our favourite things about the aftermath of Simon Cowell kicking out Lucie last week was the shockwave that ran through popular culture, a sudden uproar as a nation realised, in one split second, that Simon Cowell might not always make decisions based purely on musical merit.
Strangely, however, Cowell had in fact left a few very small clues over the last few years.
Here are a handful of hints. Pay close attention, they're pretty subtle.
1. "I'm interested only in making money, for myself and the people I work
for. I mean, that's absolutely the only criterion I attach. That's it.
... That's the only thing we think about: Will it make money?"
2. 'Unchained Melody'
3." I don't like the idea that other people in this business might be doing better than me. That really bugs me - I mean really bugs me. It's what drives me on."
4. 'Unchained Melody'
5. "When
Rolling Stone magazine asked what he wanted most in the world, he said
simply, 'Money. As much money as I can get my hands on.'"
6. 'Unchained Melody'
We’d actually put Cowell’s decision last weekend down to a sense of mischief as much as hyper-cynical audience manipulation but what’s most alarming about this past week’s public outrage is that many of the outraged masses fail to grasp the fact that decisions just like that are being made on an hourly basis in all areas of mainstream media. You don’t see them being made, like you do when Cowell makes a decision like last weekend’s, but they’re made all the same. Nothing on mainstream television really happens by accident, or without painstaking analysis of likely consequence. It barely happens in the pop charts, either, really, although the Top 10 is open to the occasional surprise from time to time. The point is that just because Simon Cowell is the only person publicly making ratings-chasing decisions, it doesn’t mean nobody else does it behind closed doors.
Over the last decade a number of ‘plain speakers’ have risen to the top of British popular culture, usually in the form of stupendously heterosexual entrepreneurs with a penchant for shouting at those less dynamic than themselves. With Alan Sugar or Gordon Ramsey most descriptions as 'no-nonsense' merely represent over-reverential shorthand for the subject’s incredibly bad manners but when Simon Cowell speaks his mind (as he does when it suits him) his words do, frequently, articulate the thoughts of a nation. Remember when Lucie performed her song a few weeks ago as rose petals fell from the rafters? Afterwards, three judges offered their comments on her performance. Lucie took all these comments not knowing that there was a stray petal stuck on her forehead. Every judge allowed the poor girl to stand there on live television with that petal rather obviously stuck to her head, as 15m viewers each watched thinking, quite reasonably, 'Lucie has a petal stuck to her head'. Cowell, the final judge to offer his words, began rather bluntly: "Lucie, you’ve got a petal stuck to your head".
Cowell’s a brilliantly complex TV personality and 'music exec' and his involvement in popular culture is only going to grow over the next decade, but as long as he's there to point out the petals on heads it's worth putting up with some amusingly controversial audience baiting.
Also, without Simon Cowell there would be no JLS. Think on. THINK ON.
"How are plans for the Killers greatest hits album coming along?"
"Well that's not really happening."
"Why not? How are we going to make up for their underperforming last album?"
"Well we do - tada! - have a live album ready for release."
"A live album."
"Yes."
"How about we pretend it's a greatest hits? Basically market it as a greatest hits even though it's not?"
We have received quite a few (twelve) emails from deranged 'Sugababes' fans* wanting to know why we haven't yet written about the Florence & The Machine cover the band performed on Radio One the other day.
Simple answer 1: We didn't hear it.
Simple answer 2: When we were sent a link, it turned out to be a little too heavy on the bongos for our delicate tastes.
We have, however, been enjoying today's GMTV appearance by the band. The single 'About A Girl' is yet to really strike us as being anything too extraordinary (it sounds like the album will offer better) but it's always interesting to see how pop groups respond to the harsh, morning light of a GMTV studio with no backing band, no dancers and nowhere to hide. It's an unforgiving setting for a live vocal.
What we like about this - and this might just be terrible choreography but still - is the way the band just kind of let go to the point where, at the three minute mark, they're dancing around and punching the air like the last three standing in an empty Tuesday night discotheque.
On a related note our favourite GMTV clip remains Girls Aloud's performance of 'The Loving Kind', if only for the incredible note Sarah Harding goes for at the 3:37 point.
We trailed this last week and have been sitting on the incendiary news
for a few days now, scared at what might happen when it is released
into the public domain, but the public have a right to know.
SUNDAY APRIL 30 2265 IS THE DAY EVERY MAN WOMAN AND CHILD IN THE UNITED KINGDOM WILL BE A SUGABABE.
This day of Mutyageddon may be more than two centuries away, but it is real.
Very real indeed.
Our calculation takes a few things into account: that instances of the three-piece Sugababes (or the total number of past or present Sugababes) double every 11 years, that newborn babies replace the deceased in existing Sugababes lineups, that population trends continue and so on.
It is a phenomenon we will refer to as Population Overload. Crushingly, the signs were there when the Sugababes released their first ever single, and it has taken until now for us to acknowledge the ramifications.
METHODOLOGY
We know that you might call some of our methodology into question but we're fairly confident with this prediction because the date has been produced with the guidance of A PROPER MATHS TEACHER, Mr Smy, who is the 'Curriculum Leader for Maths' at John Bentley School in Wiltshire. (Thanks to everyone else from Twitter who offered to help out.)
Mr Smy even shows his working (right), which means he must be a proper maths person, right?
GLOBAL WARBLING: YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED
»
This event is over 200 years away - can't we do anything to change it? It is already too late. The best we can do now is prepare for the inevitable, to adapt our lifestyles, and to educate our children in the hope that they, and our descendants, don't make similar mistakes.
»
Can't I just move to another country?
That would be like moving away from the polar ice cap as it melted. Unfortunately, as its name suggests, global warbling is not a localised threat. Our calculations suggest that by 2332 the entire population of Planet Earth will be a Sugababe.
» Global warbling doesn't seem all that bad to me, won't it be nice to have a bit more singing?
A few extra Sugababes might seem like a nice idea right now, and in our
lifetimes we may only live to see another sixty instances of the band,
but the true effects of this will be felt by our children and their
grandchildren. The day of Mutyageddon is only eight generations away in the UK, and ten generations away for the entire planet.
» Which version of the Sugababes will be the best?
The 65,378,007th version of Sugababes will prove to be the band's definitive lineup, although by that point people will still be bickering about bloody Siobhan Donaghy on the Popjustice forums.
FURTHER INFORMATION
Please email
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for more information.
The video opens with a shot of Lady Gaga and her friends in a screening room, about to watch the video for 'Bad Romance'. Very postmodern. Note the solitary dog. :(
Readers we're interested in purchasing a Philippe Starck-designed home audio visual control system but are having
trouble thinking of one, can any of you apropos of nothing and off the top
of your heads suggest one?
Actually while you're at it we're also thinking of purchasing some vodka but are having trouble choosing a brand, can anyone apropos of nothing and off the top of their heads suggest one?
These look a bit like those storage things people keep on the tops of their cars but that wouldn't make for a very exciting pop video so let's wait and see what happens shall we.
We pull back to find out that the roof rack car things are in fact in Bath Haus Of Gaga. This is a play on the whole Haus Of Gaga thing. You can see what they've done there. It is a bath house. Do you see.
Some ladies begin crawling out of the roof rack pod things. You don't get that in Halfords.
Lady Gaga in a bath. Her eyes have been made to look big like in those Government drugs commercials and there may indeed be some suggestion here that ladies fed into the trafficking system are fed loadsa drugs all the time but it's probably nothing more than a coincidence in terms of those TV ads.
Readers we're interested in purchasing a celebrity-endorsed, in-ear headphone solution but are having trouble choosing a brand, can anyone apropos of nothing and off the top of their heads make any suggestions?
Here's Lady Gaga being forced to drink some booze. She is being forced to do this by OTHER LADIES which makes the message of the video (we're not sure if there actually is a message actually) all the more poignant and dark, don't you think?
This is the best bit in the whole video, when Gaga sort of looks away from the camera in a slightly pensive fashion. IT IS AN EXPRESSION YOU NEVER SEE IN POP VIDEOS. Chiefly because v few pop videos are about sex trafficking.
Lady Gaga is forced to dance for potential clients. The clients are all drinking vodka. We wonder if there is someone somewhere at a certain vodka company having a handful of slightly fraught meetings with their boss about whether this might be the least flattering product placement escapade of all time.
Come on. Someone must be able to suggest a decent brand of vodka. Someone. Anyone? No? Nobody? No? Fine.
Lady Gaga on the loo.
Bids are placed for Lady Gaga. When it gets to a million the deal is done.
Readers we're interested in purchasing a new laptop computing device but are having trouble choosing a reputable manufacturer, can anyone apropos
of nothing and off the top of their heads make any suggestions?
There's some good bullet time-style action here with Lady Gaga a-warblin' amid a cloud of hovering diamonds.
Here she is sporting the gyroscope thing from the Monster Ball promo shots. This is nothing to do with the plot of the video and is just here because it looks quite good. We are sorry if this offends your principles re narrative structure but sometimes in a pop video you just need to stand around in a massive gyroscope and this is one of those times.
This bit is a bit like the gyroscope shot above in that it's just an excuse to sit around in another frock. As you might have guessed we're deep into 'middle eight' territory here and that is traditionally the point in the video where it is permissible to do something that doesn't fit in properly. IT'S ALL FINE.
Having been purchased, Lady Gaga is on her way to The Rumpo Area wearing a frock with a polar bear hanging out of the back of it. You may laugh but we've all at one point or another been out in a bar or club and started walking out of the toilet with a bit of loo roll stuck to one of our shoes, and this is exactly the same except with a polar bear.
Readers we're interested in purchasing some new sunglasses but are having trouble choosing a brand, can anyone apropos
of nothing and off the top of their heads make any suggestions?
Lady Gaga and pals are now dressed in red. You can tell things are about to get exciting.
And they do. Lady Gaga bursts into flames. DON'T THROW WATER ON IT THAT WILL MAKE IT WORSE. Oh hang on that's chip pans isn't it.
Et voila: the man is dead having been burned to death by Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga is frazzled but will be fine when she's had a bit of a sit down.
IN A NUTSHELL
1. Sex trafficking is a bad thing and might burn you to death.
2. We would love all the product placement in this video about prostitution to be a deliberate statement about the nature of modern-day art vs commerce but we think that would proabably be overthinking things a bit and it's really just product placement for cash.
3. Here is the video in case you would like to watch it.
Now, if anyone can recommend any vodka, laptops, headphones or sunglasses that would be great.
Incidentally can we say this once and once only: the first sign of John & Edward being in any way special was "I'm John" "I'm Edward" "together we're John & Edward" so what sort of stupid society do we live in where the John & Edward name is ignored in favour of 'Jedward'. Yes we know in these times of heightened portmanteau it's very important for all couples to have a blended name and yes we know isn't it just so hilarious and undermining and blah blah fucking blah but come on everyone let's not allow the rise of 'Jedward' to somehow obscure the original genius of "I'm John" "I'm Edward" "together we're John & Edward". Let's just cling on to that original moment of clarity and perfection shall we? Come on. Behave yourselves now. Get a grip.
It was only, what? 18 months ago? Not too far in the past, anyway, that everyone was like "oh boo hoo pop is dead pop is over that's it why are the charts so unfair".
