Here, then, is a track-by-track review of Christina Aguilera’s latest warblefest ‘Lotus’.
Lotus Intro
To be honest this could have been cut off at around the 1:30 mark and been quite a solid ‘Intro’ to the album, but Christina starts as she means to go on and offers us a bloated 3:18 of electro-hypnoticy chat. Consider this your warning sign.
Shouting: In the background. For now.
Bad language/unimpressive sex chat: Nil.
Any good: Half of it, yes.
Army Of Me
Christina’s labelled this one ‘Fighter 2.0’, which is a bit of an overstatement as quite frankly it’s not as good. It’s ‘punchy’, but lacks the pop balls that made ‘Fighter’ so amazing. ‘Fighter H20’ would probably be a more apt description, as it’s ultimately a watered-down version of her earlier effort.
Shouting: Of course.
Bad language/unimpressive sex chat: Not yet (surprisingly).
Any good: Average.
Red Hot Kinda Love
It took her three songs, but Christina finally gets dirty. The song itself is a welcome blast of upbeat pop following the rather serious start to the album. There are lots of good ‘oooh’ ‘lalala’ hooky bits that all fit together and make a for an enjoyable listen.
Shouting: Standard Xtina warbles at the end.
Bad language/unimpressive sex chat: Just a few images of her getting hot under the collar.
Any good: Yes.
Make The World Move
This one features spinny-chair pal Cee-Lo Green, who doesn’t really make much of an impact. The chorus falls a bit flat after a good start verse and pre-chorus and doesn’t quite recover. It’s a bit like a Nice biscuit.
Shouting: Yes.
Bad language/unimpressive sex chat: None whatsoever.
Any good: 5 out of 10.
Your Body
“All I wanna do is fuck your body”. That pretty much sums up this one doesn’t it?
Shouting: INCESSANT.
Bad language/unimpressive sex chat: Why yes, since you ask.
Any good: Oh yes.
Let There Be Love
It’s rumpo ahoy on the second Max Martin addition to the album. “Awwooo like that / It feels so good that I can’t hold back / Awwooo like that / Hit the right spot making my eyes roll back.” How subtle. It’s Christina showing us she too can partake in the clubLOL 'phenomenon' that has been saturating the charts in the past year.
Shouting: Yes.
Bad language/unimpressive sex chat: Littered.
Any good: As paint-by-numbers pop goes, yes.
Sing For Me
By this point I'm feeling a bit exhausted so a ballad is actually welcome. Unfortunately it’s just a throwaway album track. There’s no real hook in the whole song, just Christina going on about singing through pain etc etc. The drums sound nice though. Note: I started to feel a headache coming on at this point.
Shouting: Unfortunately.
Bad language/unimpressive sex chat: No.
Any good: Again, no.
Blank Page
Another ballad! But this time it’s by above average pop scribe Sia so it's automatically better than the one before. If you were having a bad day this one would be good to have a bit of a cry to.
Shouting: There’s warbling in the chorus and lots of it.
Bad language/unimpressive sex chat: Not this time round.
Any good: Yes
Cease Fire
Christina goes all dramatic and war-like on this one, but it all sounds too much like a Rihanna castoff. Mind you, it's one of the better ‘filler’ tracks on the album.
Shouting: Minimal, until the end.
Bad language/unimpressive sex chat: Nope.
Any good: Not amazing, not poor. Pleasant enough.
Around The World
This song is basically Christina wanting to have sexual intercourse with someone in different locations around the world. It’s basic pop filler and prompts my headache to really kick in. Well done Christina, well done everyone.
Shouting: Towards the end, of course.
Bad language/unimpressive sex chat: Oh yes.
Any good: Not one bit.
Circles
“Spin around on my middle finger,” begins ‘Circles’. There are even a few shits and motherfuckers, which is always nice. I like it when Christina gets a bit wobbly and the bubblegum melody sounds oddly good with the lyrics. Not her finest pop moment, but interesting enough.
Shouting: Oh yes.
Bad language/unimpressive sex chat: Lots of naughty words.
Any good: Quite.
Best Of Me
Christina gets all vulnerable on us yet again and sings about how nothing can break her blah etc and so on. It’s a bit too seriousface for me, a limp ballad that feels just tagged onto the tracklisting.
Shouting: Standard ballad warbles in the latter stages.
Bad language/unimpressive sex chat: None.
Any good: Not really.
Just A Fool
That country one from The Voice turns up here for a bit of a singsong to round things up. It’s a country-pop number that actually sounds alright if you’re into that kind of thing, which I am, so that’s okay. Think of the time Kelly Clarkson did that country song, but add that unnecessary warbling we’ve all grown to love (hate) and you get the idea.
Shouting: On point.
Bad language/unimpressive sex chat: Nope.
Any good: A nice way to ease out of the album.
I was going to go into the extra songs on the ‘Deluxe’ version, but by this point I felt a bit drained.
‘Lotus’ has some good moments, some standard lulls and the odd mis-step, but there's nothing quite bad enough to prevent further listens. 6 on 10.