Tomorrow night one of the two people pictured above will win X Factor.
They certainly look fascinating in those pictures — but who are these superstars in waiting?
Hold on to your hats…
1. RAYMOND QUINN.
We suppose that considering it is a CARPET shop, when they need to bollock members of staff they call them into their office and give them a telling off!!! !!! ! !!!!!
» Ray used to be in Brookside, when it was shit.
So not when people were being buried in gardens or having sex with their fit siblings or being lesbians. ASTOUNDING.
» Amazingly, Ray once performed at a Tsunami Aid concert.
It sounds unlikely but we can assure you this is 100% true.
» His exciting range of heroes includes Robbie Williams. WOO!!!
But if you think Ray is exciting — wait until you read about Leona!!1!11
» She went to Sylvia Young's school and then — strange but true — the Brits Academy.
» She has a boyfriend who is 21 as well.
Interestingly they knew each other from childhood. Seriously, it's true. We have not just made this up to make her sound interesting — that really is true. You can check on the official X Factor site if you don't believe us.
The problem surely with both of these potential popstars is that they in fact have TOO MUCH CHARISMA and are JUST TOO INTERESTING for the record buying public to be able to comprehend.
Just one thrilling, iconic soundbite from Leona — "I'm just really pleased to be here", for example, or "I can only do my best and hope people like it" — and your average pop fan's head might just EXPLODE. They're not ready for the overload of interestingness.
It's a big worry. We hope everything will be alright for fans of the winner, especially because — to make matters worse — their first single will be a futuristic, balls-out electrometal pop extravaganza and definitely not a boring ballad.