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Nine potential Lady Gaga support acts better than The Darkness

The Darkness were one of the worst bands of the 2000s. Thanks to their comeback, they are also one of the worst bands of the 2010s. And they're sup­port­ing Lady Gaga on her Born This Way Ball.

Here's who'd be preferable.

1. Jo Calderone
A 20-minute set from this chap would create an exciting and slightly bizarre but basically amazing 'vibe' in the stadium. What sort of music do you think he would perform? Probably 'the blues' or something. It doesn't really matter.

2. Nicola Roberts
It's possible that even Lady Gaga's people-saving powers might not be able to heal entire stadiums in one go, so a support slot from Nicola would warm people up to the idea that it is alright to be yourself and so on before Gaga appears to deliver the 'killer blow'.

3. Meat Loaf
A hits set from Loafy would fit in well with Born This Way's post-gothic enor­mo­tune banger 'vibe', but would also come in useful when it comes to the Born This Way Bus that Gaga is taking on tour with her, as Meat Loaf proved in the 1990s that he is competent behind the wheel of a pop vehicle.

4. Eric Saade
One song — 'Popular'  — then off.

5. Nicki Minaj
Principally to annoy the deranged 'Monsters' who seem to think  there is not enough room in the pop cosmos for two people who both quite like wigs and being interesting.

6. The RedOne Roadshow
The idea behind this is that RedOne is in the middle of the stage with lots of computery keyboardy things around him (it doesn't matter if they're plugged in or not, the whole thing is on tape) and one by one various different col­lab­or­at­ors come on and sing one RedOne song each then GET OFF THE STAGE PRONTO. If the original singer can't make it, Mohombi sings their song. We under­stand that this will probably end up with Twickenham exper­i­en­cing 'Poison' by Mohombi, 'Fire Burning' by Mohombi and 'On The Floor' by Mohombi feat Mohombi, but at least you'll get Alexandra doing 'Broken Heels'.

7. Sky Ferreira
We're not sure if Sky would really work as a support 'artiste' but we'd just like to see Sky playing a stadium.

8. Sean Paul
What we'd be looking for here is just for Paulo to turn up and do the chorus AND ONLY THE CHORUS of 'She Doesn't Mind' on a loop for about twenty minutes.

9. Dragonette
This would actually work really well.

To be honest we'd be happy with anyone except Semi Precious Weapons.