We were in Toys R’ Us yesterday and, overwhelmed by the quantity of One Direction merchandise on offer, we decided once again to catalogue what was on offer.
“Good luck shifting this lot if Zayn does clear off,” we thought to ourselves.
Now Zayn has indeed cleared off, these are the items we’d expect to be marked down by at least one fifth tomorrow morning.
1. Some beautiful nails
They're not permanent. NOR IS ANYTHING.
2–5: Assorted tat
Already marked down, but another 20% will be necessary by 9am tomorrow.
6. Singing keychain
The Niall keychain is SAFE from overnight 1D merchandise price slashing, but the musical keychain will need adjustment. FYI: Niall, Harry, Louis and Liam will not require a keychain because don't forget the door is always open.
7. Inline skates with super soft-padded liner for comfort
And who among us doesn't currently feel the need for some comfort?
8. Glistening helmet
Might come in useful in case anybody comes down to earth with a bump in the coming months.
9–10. Poster book and 2015 annual
We had a flick through the 2015 annual, the last three quarters are just empty pages.
11. Stationery set
Useful for scrawling WHY WHY WHY ZAYN WHY NOW WHY LIKE THIS WHY across your face.
12. Pencil case
Handy for carrying an eraser around in case you ever feel like you've made a mistake.
13. Lockable diary
"March 25, 2015. Today I will make a planet sad."
14. 'Cool Cardz' (?) design studio
"Can someone redesign our last album artwork please? Keep the title the same though, cheers."
15. Bag
Very useful for stuffing with someone's belongings then hurling from a first floor window to the street below while shouting "GO THEN, GO, SEE HOW YOU COPE ON YOUR OWN".
16. More bags
Use these ones for the haircare products.
17. Lunchbox
When was the last time you think Zayn had a carton of Um Bongo? We bet more Um Bongo would have solved all these problems.
18. Headphones
Useful for blocking out the weeping.
19. Karaoke machine
Features include mic volume, which will remain turned down as a mark of respect.
20. No idea what this is
21. Microphone
"Designed to work in harmony" EXCEPT WHEN ONE PERSON'S DECIDED TO DO THEIR OWN THING.
22. A watch
"What time is it?" "Time I was off, BYEEEEEE."
23. A Top Trumps collector's tin
Today's news is more like a bottom trump.
24. Monopoly
"Zayn, you've landed on my hotel." "Is it alright if I check out early?"
25. Poster
Worth putting up on your wall just so you can TEAR IT DOWN AGAIN IN DISGUST.
26. Birthday cards
Only useful up to a fourth birthday.
27. Badges
Please be careful when putting these on, you wouldn't want to get the pin STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR HEART LIKE THE NEWS THAT ZAYN HAS LEFT ONE DIRECTION.
28. Easter egg
Traditionally, Easter is a time when we celebrate someone appearing to clear off, only to turn up a couple of weeks later going "LOL guys I was only joking". Cross your fingers.