Letter To Guetta: November 6, 2012

November 6, 2012

Hi Dave

It’s been a while since we properly heard from you, apart from that rather good single that’s knocking around with Sia. Does it make you sad that the worst things about the song are the bits that are most obviously your work? We doubt it. We wonder if you even have a sad face? All we ever see from you is Guettasmileyface and Guettasuaveface. How liberating it must be to live a life without sadness.

We assume that the ‘She Wolf’ single is pretty much the arse-end of the ‘Nothing But The Beat’ campaign and that your thoughts are already on your next album by now. Naturally, please don’t feel that we’re rushing you. You’ve certainly made your mark on the global pop sound already!! Really, there’s no need to do any more. If you want to take a decade off please don’t let us stop you.

But we understand that it would be impossible for a creative spirit like yours to lie low for too long.

We know, for instance, that you’re doing your own label, and that you said it wouldn’t make money or really sell very many records. It’s just there for the love of music! So it’s handy to know that you’ve made a distinction between music that is good and sells nothing, and music that is bad and sells a lot. It’s a division that we have a bit of trouble with but if it works for you, and helps make sense of the GREAT music you often make, that’s fine. More importantly, without having to entertain any thoughts like “this needs to be good”, it means you can really go hell for leather on making your next pop album as mind-bogglingly terrible as is humanly possible.

And that – even more than a life lived without sadness – must be truly liberating. We wonder how different music (or all art) would be if every single person stopped trying to do well? If instead, people simply aimed for the lowest common denominator in every way? We suppose ITV2 offers a glimpse into this world, but you Dave could really make it work on an international level. You could help humanity glimpse a brand new level of global awfulness. And you could do it all through music. If you haven’t already started work on your next album please begin immediately. This is important for all of us.

To start things off, may we humbly suggest some songs about it being fun to go out dancing in nightclubs?

Kind regards,

PS: Why not get a big-name singer or rapper to help out on vocal duties?