Valentine’s Day comes just once a year, and that’s about once a year too often if you ask us but a lot of people seem to be into it and if that sounds like you, that means you’ll need GIFTS.
Sadly red roses are smelly and chocolates are the colour of shit — but what else is there to give your significant other? You could buy one of those compilation CDs that started appearing in supermarkets last month, but there’s only so many times you need to hear the same Ronan Keating song.
More importantly love doesn’t come in just one shape or size — and neither do relationships. So below you’ll find an array of music-related gifts. Hopefully there’s something for everyone!
For the boyfriend you’re totally in love with
Some nice Ed Sheeran wall art is just the ticket — and it’s not as expensive as you might think! For around £20 you can have the lyrics to ‘Thinking Out Loud’ above your bed for when you’re thinking of quite literally ‘getting it on’. It’s worth noting that while there are many Ed Sheeran wall art options available online, not many also feature a picture of Ed, and there’s really nothing quite like a picture of Ed Sheeran to really spice things up in the bedroom. Please also note that this merchandise is 100% legal and the use of the lyrics has definitely been cleared with the song’s publishers. No news on whether it’s easily removable but you’ll be moving out next month anyway when you find out he’s been fucking his ex.
You’ve been seeing each other for a while now, but you’re concerned about taking things to the next level
How about Ray Quinn’s autobiography, ‘This Time Around’? It’s only £8.99 on Amazon — or £1.99 for the Kindle edition. The book is notable for its introduction, which runs to around 200 words during which The X Factor is spelt in two different ways, both of them wrong. We also particularly like the disclaimer at the start: “Some characters in this book have been changed and some incidents have been dramatised to protect the innocent.” The mind boggles but watch out for mentions of ‘Simon Cewoll’.
He’s having an affair with your sister, but that’s alright because you’ve got your eye on the guy at the petrol station
What better addition to a romantic meal for two than a life-size Christopher Maloney cutout looming over you — and for only £34.97? Hurry, there are only 14 left in stock at Amazon, but there are miniature versions of the cutout available if you wish to pretend to be a giant. But who, realistically, is bigger than titan of pop Christopher Maloney? Think on.
She’s really happy for how James Arthur has turned things around. “Fair play to James,” she says. “Everyone deserves a second chance.”
“The course of true love never did run smooth,” or so said William Shakespeare. What would Shakespeare make of a smooth cake mixture, spooned into individual cases then cooked for around 10-12 minutes? We may never know, but here’s your chance to give your own ‘true love’ a sense of what it might be like to eat Niall Horan, with a set of 24 edible Niall Horan cake toppers. They’re just £1.99 a sheet — that’s less than 9p per cake.
She keeps spending all the money then moaning that you don’t have any money
This is an easy one: gift her a pre-order for Charli XCX’s new album. Charli said it would be out “soon” last summer, it’s already moved back twice and it might never even come out at all — a saving of £7.99!
He doesn’t like having the radio on in the car because all he listens to these days is podcasts and actually did you know there’s a really interesting one with two American men chatting about ETC ETC ETC
Nothing says “I love you” quite like an ‘I’d rather be cooking for Tinie Tempah’ apron. What might cooking for Tinie Tempah involve? It’s hard to say, but it seems fair to assume that when consuming meat that’s been diced, sautéed and braised then served with a sauce, he’d go for oh la la la la, la la la la la / oh la la la la, la la la fricassee.
She didn’t tell you when you moved in together that she has a weird thing about wastepaper baskets and that she strongly believes the only bin in the flat should be in the kitchen
If she’s got a thing about bins, chances are she’ll love ‘Cake By The Ocean’, this classy 2016 book by KB Raphael. From the blurb: “There are some who say that you are meant to have it all in life, can Sam have just a little? A brilliant and accomplished psychologist, Dr Samantha Jasper has a thriving practice helping clients by dispensing great advice. But can she successfully apply some of that wisdom to herself?” This is basically Hitch but named after a DNCE song. In other words: pretty romantic!
Anyway that’s the end of the Popjustice 2017 Valentine’s Day gift guide. Good luck on the big day, and if you need anyone to DJ at your wedding, drop us a line!