Having a chat to someone on Daybreak (as reported here) the ‘Under The Sun’ hitmaker said she was quite happy doing bugger all, thanks for asking.

“It’s exciting that I actually don’t have any plans for once because I got a little way in with the third album and then decided to put it to one side so I could focus on the Girls Aloud tour and that’s just come to an end, so I actually don’t know,” she explained.

She also confirmed that the ‘eagerly anticipated’ release of ‘Screw You’ is probably never going to happen: “I had a third single planned and it kind of feels like that’s like then, and I’m ready to move on.”

But surely she’s not giving up on pop music completely?

“No, not pop music. Music is my life, music is my passion, my first love, so that will always be part of what I’m doing. But I actually don’t have any plans right now.”

(She’s sitting around watching Homes Under The Hammer.)

The ‘Cold Shoulder’ hitmaker has been named the UK’s richest young musician by the Sunday Times’ Rich List 2013 (as reported here), with a reported £30m fortune.

A distant second is poor Cheryl Cole, who is worth a paltry £14m, while Global Songstress Leona Lewis is third with an estimated value of £12m.

Here’s the Top Ten if you’re interested:

1. Adele – £30m

2. Cheryl Cole – £14m

3. Leona Lewis – £12m

4. Katie Melua – £12m

5. Florence Welch – £9m

6. Charlotte Church – £8m

7. Jessie J – £8m

8. Lily Allen – £6m

9. Nadine Coyle – £6m

10. Duffy – £6m

In a slightly odd post on Whosay, the ‘Screw You’ hitmaker detailed the following ‘conversation’:

“Me: i still dont know your album release date ?! Kimberley : oh it’s out Monday babe ! Me: r u for f real. Were U just gonna keep that to yourself!! K: no I’ve been doing promo for weeks ! Me: u told the magazines before me. Wow K: oh… Me: nice!”

That “I’ve been doing promo for weeks!” bit is quite ‘oh dear’ isn’t it.

Either way, Kimberley’s ‘Centre Stage’ album is out on February 4, as in this Monday.

We went to the Brits launch at London’s Savoy Hotel last night. We took a few pictures but they’re not very good.

Here’s ‘Tom Odell’ playing a song best described as ‘shall we go to the pub’.

Odo was there to collect his Critics’ Choice award. When asked by host Nick Grimshaw for a few words he said that he hadn’t prepared a speech and went on to say not much at all, which we found infuriating because a) he’d had weeks to prepare a speech, even if he delivered it as if it hadn’t been prepared, and b) even if there’s no speech, if a new popstar can’t say something spontaneous and interesting about winning an award then GOD HELP US ALL. But he did have beautiful silky hair.

Here’s Nick Grimshaw interviewing Emzelig Sandé. She had nothing of any interest to say about the Brits or anything else but, you know, nice girl and all that.

At the end of the thing, Jessie Ware came on and did a song, which as you might expect was jolly good.

Also, at one point, Paloma Faith came and sat on the floor in front of us.

Anyway that is not what we are here today to discuss.

Today we would like to put forward our proposal for the greatest Brits performance of all time. As you may have heard, a number of the ceremony’s live performers were confirmed last night, with Muse, Robbie Williams, Emeli Sandé (NO REALLY), Mumford and Sons, Ben Howard and One Direction all booked to sing a song or two. It was noted that there were three slots still to announce.

We would like to propose that one of the slots is a medley. Everyone likes a medley.

But who would perform this medley? Well, one of the things you might have noticed from the list is that Florence ‘+’ The Machine, who pulled off such a great performance last year, is/are absent from the performers list. Tinie Tempah wasn’t eligible for this year’s shortlists, but he’s a great British artist and his presence at the ceremony would be excellent as well. And what about an international artist – someone like Rihanna for instance? Finally, it’s fair enough that Girls Aloud aren’t nominated, but Cheryl Cole’s big comeback single was the fastest-selling single of the year when it came out in June. (Also it was really good.)

We think you can probably guess where we’re going with this.

Now you might already be thinking, ‘hang on didn’t Popjustice demand something similar regarding David Guetta this time last year?’ and yes, you’d be right, but at the same time yes WE were right as well because that would have been amazing, and so will The Calvin Harris All-Star Arms-Aloft Brits-A-Go-Go Non-Stop Disco Marathon be.

Here is how it will work.

OPENER: Florence ‘+’ The Machine appear. It’s just Florence ‘+’ The Machine doing the boring album version of ‘Spectrum’. Just as it gets to the chorus and everyone is about to turn off their televisions, Calvin Harris descends from the ceiling in some sort of spaceship with decks in it. ‘Spectrum’ explodes into the proper version. Everyone goes beserk.

NEXT: Cheryl not so much swan-dives onto the set as is fired out of a cannon from the other end of the arena, over the heads of assembled guests. She lands on the stage (or is caught in a big net) and does a bit of ‘Call My Name’.

AND: Just as Cheryl is about to do the end of the chorus, her vocals drop out and Tinie Tempah bellows “SAY MY NAME BABEH”, which takes us into ‘Drinking From The Bottle’. Tinie performs this inside a large champagne bottle last seen by Brits audiences between the legs of Cat Deeley.

THEN: Example speeds onto the stage IN A CAR, screeches to a halt at the very front of the stage, jumps out and does ‘We’ll Be Coming Back’. Everyone is still going beserk at this point. Calvin is waving his arms around.

FOLLOWED BY: The first notes of ’Let’s Go’ are heard. Is Ne-Yo in the house?! No, he had other commitments, but Conor Maynard is here to do a verse and chorus of the song instead. It’s an epic climax to Calvin’s set. Silence falls. It’s the end of the performance. Everyone in the place is still going mental.

BUT THERE’S MORE: BANG! Rihanna’s on stage doing ‘Where Have You Been?’. Nobody even knew she was in the country! Is it definitely her? It’s definitely her! Jesus Christ! Etc.

OH BLIMEY THERE’S EVEN MORE: To cap off the most exciting musical event anybody has ever seen and with TV cameras trying to avoid catching a glimpse of paramedics treating music industry bigwigs for SHOCK AND AMAZEMENT, Florence returns to the stage and closes the whole magnificent shebang with ‘Sweet Nothing’. Glitter cannons, ticker tape, people flying around on wires, the works.

THE END. ALL OTHER MUSIC IS CANCELLED, FOREVER. 

Now we think will agree, ladies and gentlemen, that what we have proposed here today would probably be quite good to watch on the television. Will it happen? Watch this space! (No.)

You might have missed this over the Christmas break but Cheryl Cole released an odd but effective video for her Lana Del Rey-’penned’ song ‘Ghetto Baby’. Most of the video involves Cheryl touching her boyfriend, and the very best bit of touching is this absurd dance move which we are naming THE DOUBLE SEXCRAB.

In case you haven’t seen the video, here is that dance move in GIFular form. (We’re not sure who to credit for that GIF but someone said it was from MuuMuse so let’s just say it was them.)

Anyway the origin of the GIF is not the important thing here. What is important is that despite being a classic ‘don’t try this at home and definitely don’t try this when drunk’ dance move, the first such attempt has already been submitted to Popjustice by reader Alex Pierce, who noted in a tweet yesterday that “we did this last night”.

An impressive attempt, Alex, although we cannot condone the actions of anyone who does not ‘decant’ their teabags to a dedicated container. Plucking teabags from a cardboard box immediately identifies you as a student.

And so we have a challenge for all Popjustice readers.

We will purchase a tasteful Brabantia tea, coffee and sugar canister set off Amazon and send it to the person who sends us the best photograph of a Double Sexcrab. If nobody else submits a picture, Alex gets the prize.

Please tweet your pictures to @Popjustice or email them directly to crabphotos@popjustice.com. Entries should be with us by 7pm on Sunday. GOOD LUCK AND BE CAREFUL.

Hurrah!

In a list of songs that have sold quite a lot Jeppo lands in at 91 just above Hear’say’s ‘Pure And Simple’ whereas Cheryl ‘Cheryl’ Cole holds up the rear at Number 125.

The pair join the list alongside other million-selling-single artistes, a roster that features classics like ‘Poker Face’, ‘Can’t Get Your Out Of My Head’, ‘Bleeding Love’ and everybody’s favourite ‘Long Haired Lover From Liverpool’.

You can have a look at the entire list here if you have a spare minute or two.

The ‘Live It Up’ hitmaker had this to say about it all (as quoted here): “Wow. How amazing to be voted best TV personality. I love working on The X Factor, and now, in year two, I hope I’ve earned my place on the panel.”

Hm.

Other winners on the night included Cheryl ‘Cheryl’ Cole who was named the Ultimate Popstar, and destroyer of children’s dreams Nicole Scherzinger who ‘scooped’ what else but the Ultimate Fun, Fearless Female ‘gong’.

Niall and co are a new entry at Number 5 on the list with an estimated £26.33m fortune between them. Just behind them is Adele who moves up ten places and is worth around £26.07m.

Global Superstar Leona Lewis is at Number 8 with £13.66m, Cheryl ‘Cheryl’ Cole is one place behind her with £13.4m and at Number 10 is good old Katie Melua with £11.07m.

You can see the full list here.

Poor Joss Stone.

We’re suckers for a good lyric video and Cheryl Cole’s new Instagramtastic one for ‘Screw You’ is pretty impressive.

Well it makes us like the song a little bit more at least, which we suppose is partly the point.

Remember everyone, this song isn’t really about anything so don’t go trying to read any meaning into what you hear.