You’re welcome.

Hello Olly!
Hello mate, how are you?

I’m very well, how are you?
Good thank you. It’s good to talk to you guys.

Yes, what a momentous day this is for everyone involved!
It is a momentous day. I’m feeling very nervous about this.

Really, why?
No, I’m joking. I appreciate the last six months of stories, so thank you very much.

Last time we spoke you mentioned the search bar on the site, which has now been changed.
What was it again? ‘Olly Murs is a C-U-N-T’, wasn’t it?

Well not quite, it was actually ‘Olly Murs what a cuddly chap’, but unfortunately the ‘uddly chap’ bit wasn’t visible. It’s Jake Bugg now.
Oh really?

What do you make of Jake Bugg?
I like Jake. I heard his gig at the Radio One Big Weekend. I like his style, I think he’s cool. He’s a talented lad for sure.

What do you think he would make of you?
I’m not sure. I met him at the Brits and said hello to him and said that I liked his music. I’m not one of the cool kids so I’m not sure what his opinion of me would be. He might not like my music, but I think he would probably say ‘I’ve met Olly and he seems like a nice guy’.

Do you think making it to your third album has forced people to think that you might actually be quite good?
I don’t know. I don’t think so. I’ve got a great fanbase and I’m always trying to prove people wrong. Your opinion of me over the last few years hasn’t been brilliant so it’s a case of me proving people wrong and changing people’s perceptions of me. My music’s grown over the years. People think that when you come off the X Factor you just get put in a studio with some songs and no one gives you chance, but there are always going to be people out there that don’t like your music and who don’t like you as a person. It’s about proving that there is quality to my music and there is substance there.

What didn’t help is that one of the first things people saw from you after The X Factor was that piece of Glastonbury ‘video content’.
I can’t remember that, what was it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5I0sFrTjI2Y

You don’t remember? Were you quite ‘refreshed’?
I don’t know, what was I doing?

It involved you talking to camera backstage in a “hospitality tent” and saying things like “jammin’ to the tunes” and “literally download it”.
I think it was something off the cuff. We were at Glastonbury watching Seasick Steve…

You weren’t watching anyone! You were backstage having a drink.
Oh really. I was probably a bit drunk at the time actually. No, but some people are going to like that and some people aren’t. I think you grow as an artist. There are things I did on that first album campaign that I would never do again and probably that initial thing you’ve just spoken about – I wouldn’t do that again. You’ve got to remember that probably four or five months before that I was working in a call centre. To then be at Glastonbury, which I’ve never been to before and talking about my music to people was quite exciting at the time.

Do you enjoy doing video content stuff?
To be honest with you, I don’t necessarily love doing all those sort of things. For fans, it’s good to get your face out there and not just tweet about it or have my team tweet about it. It’s nice sometimes to send out a video and celebrate something because lots of people spend their time and energy tweeting me. Whether you guys like it or other online like it or not, I think sometimes people forget I’ve got 4.2m fans on Twitter… Not that all of them will like me probably.

Some of them might have followed you by accident.
Some probably follow me to abuse me. The fact that they follow me is a big deal and it means a lot to me to have those people like my music and like what I do.

What did you miss most about the UK when you were in America?
I think I just missed my home. I missed the UK weather (!), I missed my friends. It’s good being away and to go there and have some success over there, it’s great, but I just missed being at home. I missed reading all the stories you guys write about me.

Have you come back spelling ‘neighbour’ wrong?
(Laughs) Probably yeah. I’m speaking in the American lingo, like garbage and restrooms. Elevator. There are little things you pick up.

Can you spell neighbour now, please?
Neighbour? N-E-I-G-H-B-O-U-R.

Just checking you hadn’t dropped the ‘u’.
Of course not, of course not.

How does America feel about popstars wearing hats?
I only wear one over there because normally I can’t do my hair. It’s a bit tricky for me to do. I just think ‘sod it, I’ll put a hat on’. But they love a hat – when you’re in Texas or Dallas they love a hat.

Has Bruno Mars monopolised hat-wearing over there?
I think he probably has. He’s made it trendy and cool. I don’t think I’ve had any bad press or negativity from wearing a hat.

Are you wearing a hat now?
I actually am wearing a hat now. I’m wearing a flat cap. An old school farmer’s hat.

Is that your promo hat?
It it my promo hat? No, it’s me just casually waking up in the morning and not being bothered to do anything with my hair.

If someone had never seen you and read this they’d think your hair was some elaborate, multi-faceted ‘do’, which it isn’t really.
It’s not, I’m just really lazy in the morning. I can’t be arsed to get up really early in the morning. Some people love looking at themselves in the mirror but I don’t really like doing that. There’s nothing pretty to look at.

Come on. Let’s not be silly now. Would you ever wear a small hat under a big hat and then whip off the big hat mid-performance?
(Silence) No, I wouldn’t do that, no. I’ve never done that, no.

Is there a type of hat you’d never wear?
I don’t like… The big hats, the big cowboy hats. Or top hats.

You’d wear a cowboy hat in America though if it got you on the radio.
I think so yeah. If someone told me to do it to get some more record sales I probably would, yeah.

What wouldn’t you do to get more record sales?
I don’t know actually. I’m not silly – if it was something that was going to benefit me and I was comfortable doing it then I would.

Do you take pity on ugly people?
(Silence) No! I think we’re all born the way we were born. I’m definitely not the best looking guy in the room.

Do you think maybe you do it subconsciously?
No! I mean, we’re all different. I’m sure there’s better looking popstars than me and there’s ones that aren’t as good-looking as me.

Which popstars aren’t as good-looking as you?
(Olly’s PR interjects at this point and suggests that we move on.)

Ed Sheeran recently fell over on stage – is he trying to steal your thunder?
I actually tweeted him saying I felt sorry for him and checking that he was alright. He took a worse tumble than me.

With your fairly spectacular stumble, was it actually really painful?
I really hurt my back and my leg and my index finger. I carried on and styled it out well.

How responsible do you feel for the existence of Loveable Rogues?
I think they’re great lads and they’re really talented. I’m chuffed that their single went into the Top Ten. They didn’t get much radio play and support on the record. I think they’re cool guys.

‘Dear Darlin” is your current single.
Yes. Do you like it? Do Popjustice like it?

Yes, we do. We quite liked ‘Army Of Two’ as well but the video was appalling.
I probably agree with you that it wasn’t the best video. I think it was good until we got it back and we realised it was a good idea but it didn’t quite fit. It’s nice to try something new. I love the new video though – it’s very basic, but it gets the message across.

You said that ‘Army Of Two’ was written a a tribute to your fans – did it annoy then that it didn’t make the Top Ten?
Not really, no. You always aim to get into the Top Ten but I think with ‘Army Of Two’, we did two singles then the album last time but with this one we did ‘Troublemaker’ and then we released the album so ‘Army Of Two’ was to sell more albums, which it did. I think it did really really well. I don’t think it was a tribute to me fans but it was a song I did for them and hopefully we can grow into the future together.

Underneath the ‘Dear Darlin” video on YouTube, one of the comments from ‘roman G’ is: “I don’t know whether I should Download this or not”. How would you convince ‘roman G’ to part with 99p?
I just think, again, if he’s unsure about buying it then he’s unsure. I think the song itself is a cool ballad. It’s not a typical cheesy ballad. If he’s unsure then he’s unsure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m20BTdy9FGI

Did you think you’d make it to a third album?
Not at all. I thought after my first album that I’d be a gonner. I’m lucky that I’ve been able to write some good songs.

Are you sticking to this album a year release pattern or will you have year off?
We’re not releasing an album this year. We’re going to release a few more singles off this album and then write some new music over the start of next year for next summer.

How often do you think about Joe McElderry?
I was thinking about him recently actually. I was listening to his last album and there were a couple of songs I really liked. I haven’t spoken to Joe for about a year which is a shame because he’s such a nice lad. He’s a talented guy and he’s got a great voice.

He duetted with Beyoncé recently of course.
Yeah I saw that when I was in America. It was very funny. I’ve lost contact with him so I don’t have his number anymore but I wanted to message him because I knew how much of a massive fan of Beyoncé he is.

I hope she realises he’s a singer in his own right.
I’m sure she found out afterwards.

When Beyoncé was performing recently a fan smacked her on the backside and she joked she’d have him removed from the crowd.
He got his bum out?

No Olly, he slapped her bum.
Oh he smacked her bum? Oh right.

Would you ever be brave enough to slap Beyoncé’s bottom?
I suppose if the opportunity was there. I think anyone who had the chance to slap anyone’s bum would be there, but it is an invasion.

Has a fan ever groped you?
Yeah, we did a thing last year where I had to come through the arena back to the stage and I was getting groped left, right and centre. Mums and nans and aunties. It was a lot. I wasn’t bothered by it at all.

What do you call your fans?
I call them the Murs Army.

Who came up with that?
I think I did.

It’s quite aggressive.
Do you think?

Well, an army.
No, I just think they’re just an army of fans who really like me. It was quite simple and effective and stupid I guess.

Were there other options?
The Olly-ettes. I thought it was a little bit camp. Then there were the Troublemakers, but then I wasn’t too sure about that. Murs Army is a little easier and when you’re tweeting it’s fewer letters.

What are your plans for tonight Olly?
Tonight I’m going home and cooking some dinner. I might have some lasagne or some chips. I got a new chip fryer for my birthday (!!!) from my family members, so I might have some chips on the go tonight.

Aren’t chip fryers quite dangerous?
It’s kind of a new thing. It’s quite cool. It’s a little round box and you put the chips in and they go round in a circle for ages.

You can watch them?
You can watch them if you’ve got nothing to do with your life.

That’s an insight into my evenings.
Watching chips go round.

So it’s lasagne or chips? Not together?
I haven’t decided yet. I might have chicken and chips actually.

So no big showbiz parties?
Not tonight. I’m not really a showbiz party kind of guy. I don’t really go to many parties in London.

Really?
When was the last time you saw me hanging out in a party in London?

I’m sure I’ve seen you on the Daily Mail sidebar of shame.
No! Never! I probably was a year and a half, two years ago. I’m not that kind of guy. You’ve got me totally wrong. You think I’m this party animal that’s all cocky and arrogant and has a a face like a potato (?!). I completely agree with the latter by the way. But no, I don’t really go out in London, I don’t like being papped.

If you were to take Popjustice out for the evening where would we go?
I would take you bowling. I don’t know why, but I just love bowling.

Would we have dinner before or afterwards?
It depends what you want. I think for a good date to work, I think going bowling first because then we can have a chat…

So this is a date? It was never described as a date. 
Yes I know but for us not to have communicated for a year I think we need that time. I think we need to go out and do something sociable and we can decide afterwards about dinner, but only if we’re lucky. I might be having a nice time but you might turn round and say ‘this guy is definitely a C-U-N-T, we still don’t like him’.

Thanks Olly!

•

‘Dear Darlin” – which is literally very listenable – is out now on iTunes, at this link.

Incidentally if the next single isn’t the VERY GOOD INDEED ‘One Of These Days’, there will be big trouble.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptV-rOF4z3k

Good, right?

…with Mollie King.

There are some things you may not know about Saturdays frontwoman Mollie King, so we took some time out to ask her about 100 of them.

Here are her 100 answers.

The title of your autobiography would be…
Mollywood.

Is it time for people to stop wearing stripes?
No. God no! I love the stripes. Dennis the Menace.

Have you ever seen a ghost?
No I have not.

What is your mum called?
Sue.

Did you go anywhere nice on your holidays?
I went to New York recently.

What is your favourite chocolate bar?
Maltesers. [NOT STRICTLY A BAR - CHOCOLATE ED]

What animal would you gladly never encounter in your lifetime?
An alligator.

Who is your best friend?
My mum. Cringey, but true. Sorry mum!

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
I turn off my alarm. I have Sam Cooke playing in the morning. He wakes me up and I turn him off straight away because I’m sick of that tune now. I’ve ruined it. It’s so annoying, I set it as my alarm because I love the song and now I hate it, so that’s really annoying.

Who do you think has a perfect face?
Kate Upton.

Are you in love?
No.

Could you write Mutya Keisha Siobhan a hit?
(Laughs) No.

Where’s the strangest place you’ve ever put your hand?
I went to an aquarium once and I had to put it in this hole and I still don’t know what was the other side. It was really freaky. It was quite scary. You know when you have no idea what’s gonna be in there. Seeing as it was in an aquarium I could’ve been touching all sorts.

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?
Probably one of those Red Nose balls. You know those red noses for Red Nose Day? I challenged myself to see if I could fit it in there, but it was unsuccessful.

Do you worry about your weight?
No.

What did you have for breakfast?
I had two chocolate croissants from ITV studios.

Have you done the Harlem Shake?
All the time. Daily basis.

‘Saturday Night’ or the Macarena?
Macarena. I’m that cool.

How many pints can you drink before you fall over?
Oh my god none! I don’t really drink, so I’d be on the floor after a few sips.

What would you like for dinner?
A roast.

How do you eat a Creme Egg?
I just had one! I dipped it into a cup of tea and I ate it in two bites.

How old is too old for a man to go skateboarding?
Never! If my grandad went on a skateboard I’d think he was an absolute legend.

How old were you when you found out about sex?
Oh god, 25! (Laughs) Last week.

Which member of your family is the worst cook?
Me. I’m terrible.

What colour are your pillows?
White.

What was your worst subject at school?
Probably physics.

What is the worst day of the week?
Monday morning. Without a doubt.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
I always sleep on the right. Definitely.

Semi-skimmed or full fat?
Semi-skimmed.

Sea or swimming pool?
Sea. The sea. Definitely.

What’s your favourite animal?
A dog.

Surf or turf?
Surf or turf? Surf. I’m a right surfer babe! I’m really not, I wish I was. No, I’m more like Free Willy.

What’s your favourite breed of dog?
Probably poodle.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?
(Laughs) Erm… No?

Do you think fireworks are too loud?
No, the louder the better.

Are you left or right handed?
Right.

How often do you get your haircut?
I want to grow it, but my hairdresser cuts it. I’d say probably every three months.

What’s the best freebie you’ve ever been given?
A holiday to St Lucia. I was loving that one.

What’s the hardest word to spell?
Hippopotamus.

What is the rudest word you know?
The rudest word I know? Oh god! My mother taught me better than that to tell you.

Have you got any tattoos?
No I’m not very rock and roll I’m afraid.

Are you bored of these questions yet?
No I’m loving it!

If you could force two popstars to mate who would you choose?
Oh good question. Who would it be? Alan Carr [NOT A POPSTAR - ED] for the sense of humour and Natalie Portman [NOT A POPSTAR EITHER - ED] for the looks.

Did you expect the Robbie album to do better or worse than it did?
Oh my god that is such a mean question. I love Robbie, I’ve been to his tours… You really put me in a tough position there! I’m just gonna reply saying take that.

New York, London, Paris or Munich?
London. All the way baby.

What does the Daily Mail mean to you?
What does it mean to me? I hate you right now, do you know that? (Laughs) No comment.

What’s the best day of the week?
Oh come on! Saturday!

At what age were you happiest?
Right now and I swear to god that’s true. 25.

Double denim – amazing or awful?
AMAZING.

What’s wrong with pop?
Nothing.

What’s right with pop?
Everything. The Saturdays.

Are you good in a fight?
Physical yes, verbal no. I’m terrible, I’m so bad with comebacks. Physical, I tell you what I’ll pin you down!

What’s the best location to park a caravan?
On the beach.

What word do people incorrectly use to describe you?
I would like to say blonde, but to be fair I do come out with some bimbo comments every now and then.

What word do people correctly use to describe you?
Optimistic.

What is your favourite flavour of yoghurt?
Anything chocolate-flavoured.

What is the most expensive thing you have ever bought?
My flat.

What is your favourite fruit?
An apple. A green Granny Smith apple.

Would you rather not eat or speak for 24 hours?
As long as I’m eating I don’t mind if I’m not talking. I’ll choose food over conversation any day.

What is your least favourite TV show?
Anything sci-fi.

What was the last thing you read about yourself on the Internet?
It was actually a tweet from UK iTunes saying the girls are looking like they could get a Number One. And I retweeted it, because I’m cool.

Bath or shower?
Bath.

What is the appeal of Cheestrings?
The peeling. Although I have funny story about Cheestrings. So my grandparents were looking after me and my sisters when we were younger and they went out to the supermarket and were like “okay girls, is there anything that you guys want for the fridge” and my sister was like “Cheestrings”. So my grandad, off he walks to Waitrose and he was like “I’m looking for G-strings, G-strings”. And he kept saying G-strings and he came back with these G-strings and we were like “oh my god we can’t believe grandad has bought us G-strings! This is so embarrassing”. I was starving aswell, so he wasn’t in the good books, poor grandad.

Would you rather have no teeth or no hair?
I need cheese. Oh no teeth or no hair? I need my teeth, I need to eat my food. I’d just wear a crazy wig like Britney did.

Why do we have dreams?
To inspire us in reality.

The red pill or the blue pill?
The red pill or the blue pill? Oh gosh. I have absolutely no idea.

When was the last time you wet yourself?
The other day when I heard that we were Number One on iTunes.

Fried, boiled, poached or scrambled?
Scrambled.

Hollyoaks: a good thing?
I’ve never actually seen an episode in my life. [MOLLIE APPEARED IN AN EPISODE OF HOLLYOAKS LATER IN 2008 - TV ED]

Dogs or cats?
Dogs.

Rock or roll?
Rock baby.

What are the names of the people you live with?
Just me, myself and I.

What do you have on your bedroom walls?
Do you know what I currently have nothing and I am waiting to put up the two pictures of New York to go above my bed.

Do you pair up your socks before you put them away?
No I don’t and I’m actually very ashamed to say that.

Do you iron your underwear?
No! I don’t even iron my bloomin’ outerwear!

What did you do yesterday?
I went to Capital FM for an interview and I had a roast.

Christmas or birthday?
Christmas, I don’t like my birthday. It’s loads of attention on you for no reason and you don’t know what to do with it. Everyone’s just asking you “How are you?” and stupid questions. There’s just no need for it.

Town or country?
Town.

Comics or cartoons?
Comics.

Biscuit or cake?
Cake.

What do you say to people who think Jaffa Cakes are biscuits?
Well I’m one of them so I would say they are mighty, mighty cool people!

Which supermarket do you shop in?
Waitrose.

Where do you buy your pants?
I want to say Victoria’s Secret, but I’ve definitely got a few Primarks in there.

Which reality TV show do you most want to go on?
I want to perform on Britain’s Got Talent. Or The X Factor.

How fast is too fast?
I love speed! So faster the better.

Three words that best describe you in the morning are…
I’m slow, in both senses of the word. It takes me a while to wake up my brain and I’m very slow just in life in the morning. I’m always late for work. I’m quite upbeat. And what else am I? Probably just clean, because I always have a shower before bed.

Have you ever fallen off a bike?
Yes I have.

What is the name of the first person you kissed?
Tom.

You must be bored of these questions now?
No I’m loving it!

What was your worst injury ever?
I broke my… Er, well, I just sprained my wrist playing basketball.

How much money have you got on you?
I have nothing, I don’t even have my handbag on me.

Can you parallel park?
Oh my god I am the absolute master of parallel parking. That’s my party trick.

How good out of 10 do you think the Beyoncé album will be?
10.

Which member will be the first to leave One Direction?
Ah I can’t answer that! They’re like Power Rangers, you can’t split them up.

Which member of The Wanted would you be most surprised to find out was gay?
Max.

If you were twice as talented would you sell twice as many records?
(Laughs) Yes, maybe.

What percentage do you tip in a restaurant?
10%.

Have you ever dined and dashed?
No I haven’t. I’m telling you I need to get down with my bad self, don’t I?

How much is on your Oyster card?
I don’t actually have anything on my Oyster card, but I do have an Oyster card that I bought a few months ago.

What could you do to get played on the radio more?
Erm. You’ve put me on the spot here (laughs). You’ve lost me there. [THE ANSWER IS WHACK SEAN PAUL ON MORE SONGS - ED]

•

‘What About Us’ feat your friend and ours Sean Paul is on iTunes right now.

…with Ed Drewett

.
Look, we don’t profess to know everything about Ed Drewett. How could we, he’s a complicated man.

What we do know, however, can be found by reading the following questions and their corresponding answers.
.

What is your mum called?
Jan.

Did you go anywhere nice on your holidays?
Yes.

What is your favourite chocolate bar?

Galaxy.

What animal would you gladly never encounter in your lifetime?
A platypus, because they’re actually quite poisonous. Not a lot of people know that.

Who is your best friend?
Robert Read.

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Open my eyes.

Who do you think has a perfect face?
David Beckham.

Are you in love?
Potentially.

What’s the last book you read?
Probably something to do with the SAS.

Could you write Mutya Keisha Siobhan a hit?
Could I? Easy.

Where’s the strangest place you’ve ever put your hand?
(Laughs) Oh god! That’s a good one. Fuck! There’s all sorts of shit running through my head. I fell in a – this is typical Drewett – I fell in a… You know the dog poop bins that are dug into the ground, and they kind of have poo tipped in? One of my old neighbours had one of those, and there was snow, and I fell in the snow and went through the lid. I had a sleeve of shit. It doesn’t get better than that.

Do you worry about your weight?
More and more as I get older.

What did you have for breakfast?
I haven’t this morning yet. [We're speaking at 10am 'FYI']

What have you got in your pockets?
I’m actually sat here in my pants.

Have you done the Harlem Shake?
I did my own version but I called it the ‘Harlem Rake’ because I thought it was a little bit done. I’ll send you the video of it!

What’s a fair price for your single ‘Drunk Dial’?
In this current day and age I think that 99p is pretty fair. I think back in the day a few quid for a physical single would have been fair also.

How many pints can you drink before you fall over?
I’d probably say ten pints before I’m out.

What would you like for dinner?
Lamb shank with a red wine gravy and garlic mashed potato.

How old is too old for a man to go skateboarding?

Oh gosh, there’s quite a good cut off point for that. Anything over 30, or between 30 and 35 is probably a time they should stop. Hang the board up.

How old were you when you found out about sex?
Pretty young. I’d probably say about ten.

Which member of your family is the worst cook?
Um, I can’t say my Mum because… (Laughs) And my Dad’s pretty good. I’m just gonna sacrifice myself and say I’m the worst cook. There you go. But I’m not.

What colour are your pillows?
Black and white. I’ve got a pink one under it actually.

What did you last buy from eBay?
I’ve never got round to setting up an eBay account.

What was your worst subject at school?
Maths, definitely.

When did you last take a photo of yourself?
Probably last week. It wasn’t posey. It was humourous.

What is the worst day of the week?
I’m pretty happy with every day of the week, but I never really like Sundays. You know you’ve got shit to do the next day.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
I sleep on the right.

Semi-skimmed or full fat?
Semi-skimmed.

Sea or swimming pool?
Oh god. I’d say swimming pool.

What’s your favourite animal?
I love a good meerkat. But I liked the meerkat before the meerkat resurgence, if you know what I mean.

Surf or turf?

If I can I have both. If it’s a meal that’s surf and turf. I have that all the time.

What’s your favourite breed of dog?
Blonde Labrador.

Are you left or right handed?
I’m right handed.

How often do you get your haircut?
I cut my hair myself. I do that once every few weeks.

What’s the best freebie you’ve ever been given?
I was given… Oh no that’s a pretty shit freebee actually. Trainers! Anything shoe-related is just blinding.

What’s the hardest word to spell?
If I knew it i wouldn’t be able to spell it. I could probably spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious but let’s just say that because that’s the clichéd one that everyone’s gonna say.

Who do you vote for?
I’ve not really voted. I kind of don’t feel like my voice would be heard. But then you don’t get anywhere if you don’t vote, so maybe I should.

What’s your favourite name for a girl?
God. This is dangerous. I’d say Alexandra or Carly.

What is the rudest word you know?
David Cameron.

Have you got any tattoos?
Yeah, I’ve got a few tattoos.

Are you bored of these questions yet?
No. Fuck no!

What do you like about Europe?
The food.

Did you expect the Robbie album to do better or worse than it did?
I would have expected it to at least connect with the youth a bit more. Probably do a little better in the end. Where did it go in the end? Number One? Oh okay.

New York, London, Paris or Munich?
I would have to have say London any day.

What does the Daily Mail mean to you?
Another paper that I can find out information from that may or may not be true.

What’s the best day of the week?
I’d say it’s a Thursday or a Saturday.

At what age were you happiest?
I’d say when I was about 16. And I’m pretty happy now.

What’s wrong with pop?
A lack of quality.

What’s right with pop?
A lot of good hooks.

Are you good in a fight?

I’m handy. I’m not a killing machine.

What’s the best location to park a caravan?
In a caravan park.

What word do people incorrectly use to describe you?
Up-my-own-arse. I don’t think I am.

What word do people correctly use to describe you?
Too sensitive, or sensitive.

What is your favourite flavour of yoghurt?
Any yoghurt with a chocolate additive would be fucking amazing.

What is the most expensive thing you have ever bought?
Probably a car.

What is your favourite fruit?
I love a pomegranate.

What is your least favourite TV show?
Any kind of soap.

What was the last thing you read about yourself on the internet?
I actually don’t know that one.

How long does it take you to do your hair?
I’d probably say two minutes.

Bath or shower?
Shower – cold. It’s very invigorating.

What is the appeal of cheese strings?
They’re real appealable cheese! (Laughs)

Would you rather have no teeth or no hair?
No hair.

Why do we have dreams?
Ideally to take you to another place.

The red pill or the blue pill?
The blue pill.

Fried, boiled, poached or scrambled?
Poached.

Hollyoaks: a good thing?
It’s okay.

Dogs or cats?
Dogs.

Rock or roll?
Rock.

What are the names of the people you live with?
Jan, Rob, Lizzie, and Jake my dog.

What do you have on your bedroom walls?

At the moment, nothing.

Do you pair up your socks before you put them away?
Yeah. Unless I’m going odd.

What did you do yesterday?
Yesterday I had a little gig.

Christmas or birthday?
Christmas.

Town or country?

Country.

Comics or cartoons?
Cartoons.

Biscuit or cake?

(Bellows) CAKE.

Which supermarket do you shop in?
Marks & Sparks or Waitrose.

Where do you buy your pants?
Wherever I like the look of them.

Which reality TV show do you want to go on?

None.

How fast is too fast?
You can’t go too fast.

Three words that best describe you in the morning are…
Numb, blind and uncoordinated.

The title of your autobiography would be…
Bollocks.

Is it time for people to stop wearing stripes?
No. Fuck no!

Have you ever seen a ghost?
No. I don’t want to.

Have you ever fallen off a bike?

Yes, hundreds of times.

What is the name of the first person you kissed?

Lauren.

You must be bored of these questions now?
Fuck no!

What is your worst injury ever?

A dislocated, damaged and torn shoulder.

How much money have you got on you?

Nothing. I’m in my pants and that’s it.

What would people find out about you from a documentary?
That I really really give a fuck about music. More so than they ever imagined.

What is the worst thing you have ever eaten?

I think as a child I put dog poo in my mouth.

Do you know any lesbians?

Yes. My neighbours are lesbians.

How good out of 10 do you think the Beyoncé album will be?
I hope it’s fucking amazing. I’d love it to be an 11.

Which member will be the first to leave One Direction?
Zayn.

Which member of The Wanted would you be most surprised to find out was gay?
Tom.

If you were twice as talented would you sell twice as many records?
No. That’s not how it works.

What percentage do you tip in a restaurant?
I tend to do the 10 per cent.

How much is on your Oyster card?
I lost my Oyster card.

How much is your rent?
I don’t pay rent at the moment.

What could you do to get played on the radio more?
Erm, sleep with people.

•

‘Drunk Dial’ is out now on, for example, iTunes.

We had a chat with Nicole Scherzinger the other night. The phoneline wasn’t very good which sort of put the kibosh on quickfire interviewLOLs.

(Imagine trying to chat someone up from the opposite end of a supermarket aisle and you get the general idea.)

Anyway it was fairly illuminating nonetheless so here’s the chat.

•

Hello Nicole. Where are you and what can you see?
I’m looking over the Hollywood hills right now, from the window of my house in Los Angeles.

Well that beats a view of a south east London back garden, so you win. What will you be doing in one year from now?
Hopefully I’ll be touring a world tour.

Is this already booked in?
No! I’ve got to create it! I’ll have an album out then…

What is there to look forward to on your album?
Right now the upcoming album is just really fun, anthemic, energetic straight dance pop. (Dramatic pause) To the next level!

Well that is one of the best types of pop. Did you handpick your collaborators or did they come to you?
Actually my friend [CLANG] will.i.am got in the studio and then we put our friend Antony Preston with us, and we kinda just hid away for a month and did this album really fast. I was going away for X Factor and I didn’t want anything to steal my attention. So there’s Afrojack, a bunch of awesome great people – Sandy Vee, obviously… For the most part it’s, like I said, anthemic, energetic dance anthems, and I’ve got a couple of mid-tempos which are more heartbreak songs that I’ve written with Toby Gad, which is amazing.

Is there any Sting on this album?
Sting? No. He’s not. He was on the last album…

Yes he was. This is the track one finds oneself skipping. So it’s good news that the new album is a Sting-free zone.
You’re not a Police fan?!

The Police were tolerable, Sting is not.
OH MY GOD! STING IS AMAZING! HE’S A SONGBIRD!

A songbird?
What a songbird that man is.

He may be a songbird but you don’t want him on your Nicole Scherzinger albums.
(Unsatisfied) Okay…

But other than that your last album was really good. A lot of people were expecting it to be a bit ropey so it took people by surprise.
Really?

Yes!
Well what do you think people thought they were going to think of it?! And why were you surprised?

You know what it’s like Nicole. You get a good popstar. Then they throw three songs onto their album and the rest is filler. It happens a lot!
No, no, I had like 50 songs before I narrowed it down to ‘Killer Love’ and I only chose the best! We came out with like five singles from that album and I think a couple of others could have been singles too.

Correct. Now then, is it the case that you were brought up Catholic?
Yes.

Would you make a good Pope, do you think? There’s a vacancy.
Oh! (Gasps) No. I don’t think I’d be that good at that job. I would incorporate  a lot of music into the meditation and masses, though.

Imagine all the shit you get for being a judge on The X Factor. Complaints about making the wrong decisions and so on. Being Pope would be like being an X Factor judge times one million. Although, you get a hood hat.
I know, right? It’s like totally magnified. I did like when Bono gave him sunglasses and he gave Bono his rosaries. That was pretty cool.

If you were to write a popstar rulebook, what would be Rule One?
Be fearless and fierce.

Are there times when fearlessness and fierceness meet resistance? How does one manage to be fearless and fierce at all times?
You just keep trucking. And if you’re not feeling fearless and fierce, write a song about it. Sometimes I put my trainers on and I go running to get it out of my head; sometimes I just eat a pint of ice cream and watch a movie.

You know your pal Jahmene off The X Factor?
Uh-huh…

One worries for Jahmene and the horrible industry he’s going into. Do you think he’s got what it takes to keep his head above water?
He definitely has my support – I went to battle for him on that show. People don’t realise. He has strong religious beliefs and didn’t want to compromise himself in the business. I basically had to tell the show that he was not willing to compromise himself to go all the way in the show. I stood right by him and we still keep in contact; I hear from him every week. It’s about getting the right team around him because it’s a messy, dirty industry and it’s hard and he’s such a precious little pure soul. But he’s also really strong and not to be underestimated. He’s really bright and he know what he wants. But not only does he know what he wants. He knows who he is as an artist. And he’s strong enough and courageous enough to go for that and fight what other people think. That’s half the battle. That’s way more than a lot of other popstars out there. He was my role model. He’s not trying to be anything he’s not. He wants to be a gospel artist.

You can tell, often, if people are being honest and direct with whichever persona they’re putting across as a popstar.
Yes – when people are authentic and genuine and doing their truth, that’s when you want to listen to their music.

Is ‘Don’t Hold Your Breath’ your best song?
(Clears throat melodramatically) It’s certainly my biggest-selling solo song. And I love the message of the song. But is it my best song? Well, my favourite song on ‘Killer Love’ is AmenJena, because I wrote the song.

Okay. Wrong answer, but fine.
(Outraged guffaw)

Which is best out of squares and circles?
What does that mean?

Well you know a square?
Oh, you mean actually a square and a circle? (Without hesitation) CIRCLE!

Why?
Because it’s whole. Because everything comes in a full circle. It’s just more whole. It just has more of a good flow of energy – it feels more complete to me.

Finally, how good is Lewis’ album, out of ten?
Well, I’m his girlfriend and I support him [READ BETWEEN THE LINES ON THIS ONE - TACT ED] so I’m going to give him a ten. He’s fearless and courageous enough to do music that he loves, and he’s writing, so ten out of ten for that.

The mere existence of this album is fascinating. It’s hard to imagine what on earth it might sound like.
I think people will be pleasantly surprised…

•

‘Boomerang’, which we accidentally forgot to ask any questions about or even mention once, is out on March 10; you can pre-order it pon de iTunes now.

In December A*M*E was included on the BBC Sound of 2013 longlist alongside Popjustice favourites Savages and Palma Violets.

What do you think these sort of lists mean to the general public?
Erm… To the general public? So people outside media and stuff?

Yes. Obviously the media are very aware of things like that, but does anyone else even know what the list is?
Exactly. It doesn’t mean a lot [to the outside world]. It means pretty much nothing. I mean, people are pretty much clueless about it. Because when I told all of my friends that I was on the Sound Poll or whatever, they were like ‘what is that? I didn’t vote for that.’ So sadly it doesn’t mean so much. For online blogs and press it’s like, everything. But the general public are like ‘we don’t care.’

Well the title doesn’t mean very much if you don’t have any amazing songs.
Exactly that, yeah.

The actual Pope joined Twitter. His opening tweet was: “Dear friends, I am pleased to get in touch with you through Twitter. Thank you for your generous response. I bless all of you from my heart.”

Do you remember what your first tweet was?
What was it? Oh my gosh, I tweet so much.

You quite like Twitter don’t you.
Yeah, it’s the drug of my life. (Laughs) It think it was probably “Hey, I’m new to Twitter, what’s up everyone” or something like that.

Did you understand it at first?
No. I had no idea what anything was. It was like I was talking to myself!

Are you a fan of hashtags?
Oh, absolutely.

What’s your favourite?
Thuglife. Hashtag thuglife.

How does one live an A*M*E Thuglife?
(Laughs) Erm, what’s one of the Thuglife things that I do… Jumping in puddles! Or knowing that I’m wearing a tight dress on my birthday. Thuglife.

A handful of African news sites were taken in by a fake story about Mike Tyson having had a sex change and now wanting to be called Michelle. He was forced to issue a statement confirming he was still a man.

What would be the first thing you’d do if you were a man for a day?
(Sings) ‘If I were a boy…’ I would turn off my phone! And tell everyone it’s broken. I would basically do what Beyoncé does in that song.

A monkey was found wandering around a Canadian branch of Ikea wearing a sheepskin coat.

Do you have the cranberry jelly when you go for the Ikea meatballs though?
Please, please believe that I have never in my life been into Ikea.

Why not? It’s very reasonably-priced.
I know. Everyone’s told me that it’s got everything, like furniture.

An elephant sanctuary in Thailand started producing its own brand of coffee made from elephant dung in December. It costs £312 per pound.

What did you make of Alexandra Burke’s ‘Elephant’?
Hmm, well I didn’t understand it at first, ’cause I didn’t understand the term ‘elephant in the room’.

It’s a bit of a concept isn’t it.
Yeah. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, but I think it’s a good song.

Do prefer ‘Elephant’ to ‘Bad Boys’?
Ooh, ‘Bad Boys’ over that.

Also in December, the word “lunatic” was voted to be removed from US federal law.

What’s the worst word someone’s used to describe you?
It depends how x-rated you want to go with it! It would be a really horrible swear word. But apart from that I get called ‘psycho’ by my friends all the time, just ’cause I’m a little bit not-so-normal. You’ve got to be as an artist! No-one creative is normal.

That’s true, all creative behemoths are a little bit crazy.
Exactly. So I just take it as a complement.

It was the twenty year anniversary of the sending of the very first text message. The message – a simple “Merry Christmas” – received no reply, which is sad.

How long is too long to wait to reply to a text message?
An hour. I like people who text back really fast, ’cause it just kills off the conversation otherwise. Especially when you’re texting a love interest… Ugh, it’s long.

According to the ever-reliable Mayan calendar the world was due to end.

[We were having this chat prior to the proposed end of everything, by the way]

What do you have planned for your final night on earth?
Well my friend’s having a massive birthday party, so I’ll be partying like it’s the end of the world.

Isn’t that a song?
I think so. (Sings) ‘It ain’t the end of the woooorrrrllddd’

Romeo Beckham appeared in a Burberry advert, also in December.

At 10 years old, is he too young to enter the world of modelling?
I think that’s for him to decide. I saw one picture of it on Tumblr, and I just thought that maybe Burberry was maybe a bit grown-up for him. Maybe if he was doing something for…

GAP Kids?
Yeah. Then I’d be like ‘aww, that’s sweet’. Burberry might be a bit mature for him, but then his Mum is Victoria Beckham.

You’d take advantage of that wouldn’t you.
I guess.

Also in December, Prince William and Kate Middleton announced they were going to have a baby, which is nice.

What should they call it though? Ed Sheeran thinks it should be called Twig.
I don’t think it should be called Twig. I’m not trying to be offensive, but royal names are all really grannified. So it’s probably going to be called Margaret or something, or Henry if it’s a boy.

But what would you call the royal baby?
I’d call it Lotus.

Like the Christina Aguilera album?
Yeah!

Were you a fan of that?
I haven’t listened to all of it yet. I mean, it’s okay. It’s not my favourite Christina album.

Harry Styles started dating country chanteuse Taylor Swift.

But who should band frontman Niall date?
Isn’t Selena Gomez available now?

Wouldn’t you want to put yourself forward to the role?
No. Not with Niall, thank you.

What about Zayn?
Well, he’s dating Perrie.

Haven’t they split up?
Really? Shut up. Oh my god. I dunno, I’d feel quite bad. I’ve done quite a few shows with Little Mix and I like Perrie.

You wouldn’t want to jump in there?
No. Justin Bieber however, I’d be like, ‘yeeaahhhhh!’

*

Well thanks A*M*E for that fascinating insight into your thoughts on the month of December 2012. We hope you had a satisfactory year and wish you all the very best for 2013.

November 2012 was a month in which various things happened in ‘the world at large’. But how did these things impact Unicorn ‘Ish Pasty’ Kid? Let’s ask him.

A zebra was captured in November running through the streets of New York, after it escaped a local petting zoo.

Did you ever try to run away as a child?
I don’t think I did. I didn’t even do the ‘packed bag and go and sit in the garden’ thing. I had a fairly undisturbed childhood.

Are you a creature of comforts?
Yeah. It doesn’t take a lot to make me comfortable though, I just need a good internet connection. And that’s only because you can get in contact with whoever you want. You can go on your website and it’s a home away from home. That’s all I need.

There’s always Chatroulette.
And Manroulette! That’s the one. (Laughs) There’s a gay version of Chatroulette called Manroulette. It’s like, 100% cocks.

That sounds like quite a lot to take in.
Yeah, it is. I’ve never really been on it seriously, but I’ve taken a look.

Branston pickle was sold to a Japanese company in November.

Do you prefer the smoother sandwich pickle or the chunkier alternative?
I don’t really like Branston pickle that much, but if I was going to go for one it would probably be the chunkiest one. I’m comparing it to peanut butter, which I prefer the crunchier version of.

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever done with peanut butter?
I put it in hot chocolate once. It was fine, actually, but you get all the sediment at the bottom of the cup. It wasn’t an improvement.

It was revealed in November that the Foreign Office spent £10,000 re-stuffing an antique anaconda nicknamed Albert who had been donated by a Guyanese bishop.

What was the last rubbish present you received?
Somebody gave me an equaliser that you stick onto your T-shirt.

Does it light up?
Yeah.

That sounds quite good.
Well I suppose so. I’ve never used it though. It’s not the kind of thing that you could wear to The Club.

You could wear it to play a show, though.
I’d have to see how accurate it was though – whether it was a genuine EQ, or whether it just dances about whenever it hears music.

A sniffer dog that works the slums of Rio became a local hero after it successfully found 660lb of cannabis hidden in a wall. The dog was subsequently threatened with death by a Brazilian gang.

How good is your sense of smell?
I quit smoking this month, so it’s increased dramatically. I used to always have a blocked nose, but it’s pretty good now.

What’s your favourite ‘scent’?
Dishwasher tablets and detergent.

That’s a bit weird.
How is that weird? I thought everybody liked that. It’s heaven! I quite like the smell of gasoline [HE MEANS PETROL - AMERICANISMS ED] too.

Dennis the Small was blamed by the Pope for getting Jesus’ birthday wrong in the Bible.

Do you find the demonising of the vertically challenged offensive?
What, as in small people?

Yes.
I mean, I’m about 6’3″, so it’s difficult for me to sympathise, but I don’t have anything against small people. In fact, I would quite like to be shorter myself.

Do you hit your head on door frames?
Yeah. When you’re tall, you can’t dress as outlandishly as you might want to. You attract a lot more attention to yourself, and your posture has to be better, because if you’re slouched then it’s a lot more obvious. I think my ideal height would be 5’9″ or 5’10″. I think that would be the best height.

Do you intimidate people because of your huge height?
I mean, I don’t think my personality’s that intimidating. Even when I had a skinhead I don’t think it looked legitimately scary.

The Boring 2012 Conference, which celebrates the mundane, took place in November.

Apropos of nothing, what do you make of Gary Barlow?
I don’t know a lot about him. From seeing him on TV I feel like I wouldn’t want to spend a lot of time with him. Obviously I really like pop music, but I don’t really like Take That much. They’re very vanilla to me.

What’s your least-hated Take That song?
I suppose ‘Shine’. It’s okay. It’s not horrible.

‘Omnishambles’ was named UK word of the year by the Oxford English Dictionary in November.

What’s your favourite word and why?
Probably ‘whatever’. (Laughs) I use it a lot of the time to cut off conversations that I don’t really care about. Even the word ‘like’ – I use it to punctuate a lot of my sentences. So ‘whatever’ and ‘like’ are probably tied for my favourite two.

Do you worry about becoming too Americanised?
Erm, I suppose because of the internet I am quite Americanised. But I am quite fond of America, so I don’t see that as necessarily being a bad thing.

A man in England has been granted the first licence to sell seaweed, which is obviously very exciting. This happened in November.

If you were this man, what would you call your seaweed shop?
I’d probably rebrand myself as Seaweed Kid and sell it as merch.

Would you have seaweed for hair?
Yeah. Me and Azealia Banks could do it. You know, mermaid-style, with a green and purple seaweed weave. But I don’t really like ocean smells of sea and salt and the beach. They’re not artificial enough. You’d have to spray the seaweed with perfume and paint it purple and make hair out of it.

Scientists in Kazakhstan have said they’ve discovered the “elixir of life” in the shape of a yoghurt drink.

When eating a Müller Fruit Corner, do you keep the two sides separate or mix them together?
I would probably take a bit from the fruit thing, and then put it in the yoghurt. I would never mix the two together, because it destroys the novelty of the yoghurt. You may as well just buy a strawberry yoghurt.

Right.
I would never eat them individually. I would never eat the strawberry side and then eat the yoghurt side. That’s psychotic.

What would be the point.
Absolutely. It’s weird. I actually prefer the crunchy ones anyway. The ones with chocolate cornflakes.

*

Well thanks Unicorn for that fascinating insight into your thoughts on the month of November 2012. We hope you had a satisfactory year and wish you all the very best for 2013.

October 2012 was a month in which various things happened in ‘the world at large’. But how did these things impact Olly ‘Mpic’ Murs? Let’s ask him.

In October, DC Comics announced that Superman’s alter ego, Clark Kent, would be quitting his job as a journalist because he was bored of the news being dominated by “soft” entertainment stories.

Do you agree with Clark that Proper News has gone a bit tits up?
No, obviously papers have to cover everything – that’s why we buy papers – but everyone also wants to see the entertainment side of things, as well as what’s going on in Afghanistan and different countries. People  want to hear about entertainment news and what One Direction are up to and what Rihanna’s doing with Chris Brown.

What is Rihanna doing with Chris Brown?
I don’t know. There are all these different stories about them being back together, which is great. You know, there’s obviously a lot of love there. That’s what entertainment news is all about.

Do you think we need some light relief in these dark times?
Erm, I don’t know. It’s tricky, because I’m in it. I do get a bit frustrated sometimes when I see a paper and it’s like you go to page five or six and there’s a really sad story about someone being killed and on the front is a story about a glamour model dating someone. How is that front page news? But that’s what sells papers.

There are lots of different papers for different people aren’t there?
Yeah, different strokes for different folks. Everyone likes to read different papers and you yourselves are online and people like to read different online blogs.

Which newspaper do you read Olly?
I used to read The Sun a lot and I used to obviously read the Mirror and The Star. The most common [HE MEANS MOST POPULAR - CLASS WAR ED] newspapers really. Reading the Daily Mail and stuff – for an Essex boy like me, I can’t understand half of the stuff in it to be honest. It’s a bit too intelligent for me.

Several Dutch communities considered putting in heated cycle lanes to prevent ice from forming.

When was the last time you fell off a bike?
Oh jeez. The last time I fell off a bike was last year when I did the ‘Heart Skips A Beat’ video. I was trying to be down with the kids and really cool because there were all these kids on the skate park with their bikes and basically I completely stacked it. It fell out from underneath me and I just smashed onto the floor.

Why didn’t that make the final cut of the video?
It should have done. It was hilarious. I got completely caned by everyone.

Some important research into unusual insurance claims found that one farmer lost his mobile phone up a cow’s bumhole.

Olly, when was the last time you lost something down a hole?
Wahey! Now, the last time I lost something down a hole… (Long pause)

Or just anything you’ve lost recently?
I’m pretty good really. I’m always losing a toothbrush. That’s just me being lazy really.

A new planet was discovered in October. It was christened PH1 by its founders.

What would you call a new planet were you to stumble across one?
If I were to stumble across a planet I’d like to call it something like Uranus, something quite rude. It would be innuendo. Like Ivor Biggun or something like that. Ivor Humpalot. Just to be stupid and make it funny. When I was a kid and someone mentioned Uranus, you always remembered it and found it funny. It would be the same with Ivor Biggun. It would be funny.

Ramjit Raghav from India became the oldest father at the age of 96, and claimed his sex drive was fuelled by his love of almonds.

What’s your favourite nut?
What’s my favourite nut? Mine’s a Brazilian nut.

Why that one?
It’s a bit bigger and you get a nice bit of chocolate around it. [THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY HOW IT COMES OFF THE TREE - ARBOROLOGY ED] It’s nice and salty. Yeah, I love a big nut.

This man had his second child at 96 though. That’s amazing.
Fair play. That’s good going. He’s definitely got some good swimmers [HE MEANS SPERM - SPERM ED] hasn’t he.

Scientists apparently preoccupied by how to get their names in Metro wasted their time in October identifying that the sound of a knife being scraped on a glass bottle is the most unpleasant  imaginable.

Do you agree or can you think of something worse?
I think scratching on plates, like a knife on a plate. Even thinking about it now makes me cringe. I’m thinking about people scraping their knife and fork across the plate. It’s so horrible.When has anyone scraped a knife down a glass though?

A poor lady in France was accidentally invoiced for a telephone bill of over 9.4 quadrillion quid.

What’s been your biggest phone bill and why?
It would have to be when I was in America this year. It’s because they changed all the data roaming charges and it was over £1000.

I imagine that bill doesn’t go to you does it?
Yeah of course it does. It’s horrible. I have to pay my own bills. I mean, you can probably claim it back as a travel expense and a business expense but I mean you’d have to go through the bill and work out which one was a work-related call and which one was a personal call. It’s a load of rubbish.

What if you called Caroline Flack on your phone? Obviously you’re great pals in real life but you also work together, so is that a work or a personal call?
It depends what kind of person you are. It depends if you want to cheat the system. I mean we could fundamentally be talking about The Xtra Factor, which we do quite a lot, so technically it’s a business call, but for the sake of a couple of quid it’s not worth it.

And finally in October, an elderly couple bought a plant at a car boot sale which then grew into what the local police described as the biggest cannabis plant they’d ever seen.

What was the last bargain you bought, Olly?
I can’t even remember. The biggest bargain was when I went to Wagamama and I got dinner yesterday for £20. I left my wallet at home so I had to borrow £20 off me tour manager and because I signed a couple of autographs for the chef he gave me £6 off. It’s the biggest bargain I’ve had all week. 

Is that all the discount he gave you? You’re a Number One recording artist!
I was happy with that. It was good to get £6 off.

*

Well thanks Olly for that fascinating insight into your thoughts on the month of October 2012. We hope you had a satisfactory year and wish you all the very best for 2013.

In September, a priest banned yoga from a church hall as it wasn’t compatible with the Catholic faith.

Can you do the downward dog?
My mum is a yoga teacher and she has tried to make me do downward dog but I’m convinced my limbs are too long and not in proportion to each other. So when I tried to do downward dog I nearly fell over on my face.

Is your wingspan longer than your height?
Yeah, I’ve had comments on YouTube about “those long arse arms”. I’ve also had it pointed out that one of my arms bends the wrong way. Someone sent a screenshot of me in the ‘Just A Touch’ video with my arm bending back like a chicken wing.

President Barack Obama released details of one of his favourite recipes for home-brewed honey ale.

What’s your favourite tipple?
Rum.

Just a big glass of rum?
A short rum on ice and it has to be at least twenty-one years old.

Does that get quite expensive?
Yes. Eldorado 21 is £75!

Blimey. This time next year you’ll have loads of it. You’ll be bathing in it or something. 
(Laughs uneasily) Yeah…

At Prime Minister’s Questions, David Cameron said Ed Miliband wasn’t “butch” because he always bought Ed Balls a coffee.

Do you think people need to do away with outmoded notions of what makes a man in 2012?
(Laughs) The thing is “butch” is now something that isn’t really for straight guys.

Do you think a man buying another man a coffee means they’re not “butch”?
No. It just means you’ve got more money that day.

And that you can hold two hot drinks at the same time.
A man buying another man a coffee is also a status thing.

Like a power struggle?
Yeah, girls do that all the time, like, “oh no, I’ll buy these”. Like that guy who bought loads of champagne the other night to show off. It was in the Metro. He spent £121,000 on champagne.

Maybe it was Tom Odell?
(Brief but pointed silence) Ohhhh, you said it…

It was announced that searching for the actress Emma Watson is quite dangerous as a lot of sites use her name to trick people into downloading malicious software.

When was the last time you had a virus?
I think I had the Norovirus.

Blimey.
I think I had a weird combination of symptoms. This was last week. It was really short-lived so no one really believed it was real.

Were you bed-ridden?
No, bedroom-ridden.

Are you sure it wasn’t just a nasty cough?
Only if a cough makes you follow through.

Scientists have discovered a new species of monkey in the Democratic Republic of Congo. It is recognisable because of its bright blue bottom.

What are your defining features?
Does it have to be an actual physical feature?

Let’s start with that…
My height. I’m 5 foot 11.

What other features define you?
My extremely piercing loud laugh.

The emoticon turned 30 in September! :/

What’s your favourite emoticon?
The one that looks confused.

:-/?
Yeah, exactly.

A deal was signed in September to use whisky leftovers to fuel cars.

How else can we help heal our wounded planet, do you think?
I think if everyone spent two minutes a day with part of their body pressed against the ground in love – it could be a cheek or just a hand – then it would feel much more loved. It just needs to be a cumulative effect of the love passed to actual earth. It can be grass or some kind of mud-orientated thing. Not concrete. That won’t work.  

You can now watch live bullfighting on TV in Spain, after the Prime Minister overturned a six-year ban.

Which sports would you like to see banned from UK TV?
I’m going to go for darts.

It’s not really a sport is it.
I don’t know what it’s about, but there’s a long period of time where you’re looking at a guy looking at something we can’t see. Then the camera can’t watch the actual thing move, so it just has to cut to the board. Someone could just walk up to the board and just press it in and I wouldn’t know.

Brazil’s mascot for the Fifa 2014 World Cup is an armadillo, it emerged in September. This is because it rolls up to look like a ball.

If pop could have a mascot, what would it be?
You know those toys you have on your desk that dance to any sound you make? Remember those?

Yes.
Dancing flowerpots or something.

But what would represent pop? Not a flower.
I’m thinking of a lollipop but that’s a bit crap. A dancing jelly baby?

Orb-weaver spiders apparently attract insects to their webs using ultraviolet decorations, it was revealed in September.

How did you decorate your living room for Christmas?
I got an old dead tree that I killed in the summer and pulled it upstairs in its pot and painted it white and put on some £1 lights and a piece of tinsel.

You painted the tree?
Each and every branch.

You do know you can get Christmas trees that look white?
But I felt so guilty for killing the tree because I stole it from the street because someone left it out. So I took it to give it a new home.

Was it a Christmas tree?
No, it’s a fig tree. I’m going to keep it and grow jasmine over it so it has a purpose.

*

Well thanks Aluna for that fascinating insight into your thoughts on the month of September 2012. We hope you had a satisfactory year and wish you all the very best for 2013.