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The 7 Stages Of The Cheryl Single

Posted by Popjustice on Apr 20 2012, 08:10

1. SHOCK
“I knew this was a Calvin Harris job but I’m still surprised by just how much it sounds like a Calvin Harris job.”

2. GUILT
“Did I expect too much? Am I to blame? By being part of a record buying public that loved the similar songs by other artists that came before, am I part of the problem? Am I just as responsible as Calvin Harris for how much this song sounds like a Calvin Harris song?”

3. ANGER & BARGAINING
“THIS ISN’T AS GOOD AS ‘WE FOUND LOVE’. HOW DARE THIS NOT BE AS GOOD AS ‘WE FOUND LOVE’? Mind you it’s better than ‘Let’s Go’.”

4. DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS
“If this isn’t a hit I bet the Girls Aloud reunion will be cancelled and I will have nothing left to live for, I will shut myself in a room with my singles box set and cry forever, by myself, so alone and so hopeless.”

5. THE UPWARD TURN
“Actually do you know what, three listens later this is sounding less and less like other stuff and more like a Cheryl  single. Perhaps it is brilliant?”

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
“This is starting to make sense. Unpack all the expectation and the context and the ‘this or that is what Cheryl should or shouldn’t sound like based simply on what other singers do or don’t sound like’ business, and loving this song is easy. The ‘uh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh’ bit, not the in-your-face riff, is actually the song’s biggest hook. The Calvin Harris Disco Gunshot is here, yes, but the song sidesteps the big obvious All Going Off breakdown moment, and feels all the more confident for it. And the more I listen, the more I realise that it doesn’t sound as much like a Calvin song as it did on first listen. Most importantly, the ‘I love you too much TO LET GOOOO’ part has proper hands-in-the-air potential.”

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
“I haven’t convinced myself that I like the new Cheryl single because I’m scared not to like the new Cheryl single. This song is actually really good. THINGS ARE GOING TO BE OKAY.”