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Owen Myers

Here’s a list of demands re what Jennifer Lopez should put on her forthcoming Greatest Hits

Posted on Apr 13 2012, 09:35

The new Jennifer Lopez single ‘Dance Again’ is the lead single from a forthcoming Greatest Hits ‘package’. The release date and tracklisting haven’t been confirmed yet, but in an ideal world it would look like this.

1. ‘On The Floor’ (feat Pitbull)

This has to open ‘J.Lo’s G.Hits’. It’s an exemplar of her unique ability to polish pedestrian pop to the sheen of a bare TOWIE leg. J.Lo says “on the floor” TWENTY-FOUR times and each time it sounds incredible, especially halfway through the first verse when a wobble board starts a-wobbling as she sings “pick your body up and drop it on the floor”. In twenty years’ time ‘On The Floor’ will have a place on every wedding DJ’s setlist, nestling between ‘Oops Upside Your Head’ and ‘Saturday Night’ in 128kbps as a bridesmaid tipsily remembers the time she saw a member of Las Ketchup daggering to it on the Costa Del Sol.

2. ‘Waiting For Tonight’

J.Lo’s first proper euphoropop moment is all about loving and dancing, which is unusual because these are topics that she often neglects to mention. One of the first shots in the video is a girl sitting on the loo and you think ‘hang on a minute what’s that doing in a pop video’ and then the camera pans out and you see that’s she’s just doing up her strappy sandal, and indeed waiting for ‘Tonight’. Also, LASERS.

3. ‘Dance Again’ (feat Pitbull)

After the insane success of ‘On The Floor’, J.Lo’s next big single could only be a more cynical move if it sampled the Macarena and featured Nicki Minaj. (Actually, that would probably be amazing.) As it is, we have Pitbull declaring that he is “an ol’ dirty dog all day” with a big Calvin Harris rip-off synth build. It’s all a lot better than it has any right to be, mainly down to the “woo-oo-ooo-oooo-oo-oo-ooo-oo-oooo” bits which overlays the final chorus.

4. ‘Control Myself’ (with LL Cool J)

“Zer-zer-zer-zer-zer, Zer-zer-zer, Ze-ze-ze-ze-ze-ze-zer, Ze-Ze-Zer, Ze-Zer, Ze-Zer, Ze-Zer, Ze-Zer, Ze-Zer, Ze-Zer!”

5. ‘Hypnotico’

What is this rejected Lady Gaga b-side doing on the Greatest Hits of a worldwide superstar? Well “Hyp-not, Hyp-notico!” would sit quite nicely alongside ‘Boys Boys Boys’ and ‘Paper Gangsta’ on ‘The Fame’ but feels a lot more fully-fleshed and super club-ready in J.Lo’s hands, as a result of her knack for turning filler into killer. It is properly amazing.

6. ‘Get Right’

Remember when J.Lo and Beyoncé genuinely seemed like rival superstars, and the brassy hooks of 2004’s ‘Get Right’ threatened to out-toot ‘Crazy In Love’? Time hasn’t been quite as kind to J.Lo’s ‘horn section’, but ‘Get Right’ still feels fresh and exciting, and her turn as a lip-lined, drink-spilling chloa in the video really is ‘quite something’.

7. ‘T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever)’ (with wil.i.am and Mick Jagger)

Releasing ‘T.H.E.’ might be will.i.am’s  canniest career move yet because this four-minute clip of him wanking into a mirror is pretty much the aural equivalent of leaking your own sex tape. Incredibly, J.Lo saves the song by sassing all over the place. For crying out loud though, cut the song before Mick Jagger comes in. Actually if someone could make a J.Lo-centric mix of it in the manner of this that would be really great.

8. ‘Play’

Built around a deceptively simple chorus and a bouncy cosmic-sounding bassline, ‘Play’ is one of those stealth pop songs that sounds a bit annoying at first but slowly unravels its genius. It has the weirdest, most high-concept video J.Lo’s ever made, imagining her as a CGI dancemat character, overlaid with programming code and ‘press play’ symbols as she begs a HAL-like robot DJ to “play my motherfucking song” and her spaceship hurtles towards the sun. The video’s director Francis Lawrence went on to direct ‘Bad Romance’. Not bad.

9. ‘Ain’t It Funny’ (Murder Remix Feat. Ja Rule)

Funny as in ‘you’re a dick’ rather than ‘funny haha’. ‘Ain’t It Funny’ is a bit like when you have an argument with your flatmate and say “I just think it’s funny that you didn’t think to hoover the stairs after you did your room”, when actually you’re considering shitting in their bed and blaming it on the cat. The same thing probably crossed J.Lo’s mind when Ja Rule put a ‘scratchy effect’ on this song to make it sound like it was from The Olden Days, but thankfully its amazingness remains untarnished.

10. ‘Jenny From The Block’

This meditation on the art of Keeping It Real is basically J.Lo trying to give ‘Hey Mickey’ a hip-hop twist, with a strange Enya-esque flute noodling all over the chorus. It contains one of her most entertaining lyrics: “I’ve got to stay real – for me it’s like breathing!”

11. ‘Papi’

Literally the best song about a three-door hatchback ever recorded.

12. ‘Alive’ (Thunderpuss Club Edit)

Let’s be honest, J.Lo doesn’t really shine at ballad o’clock, but the Thunderpuss remix of ‘Alive’ stands out in her discography against a sea of midtempos about how much she loves Ben Affleck. As befits the song’s place as the theme tune for Enough, it is all about “doing me tonight” and loving yourself sick. Think of how amazing ‘Your Disco Needs You’ or that tops-off remix of Cher’s ‘You Haven’t Seen The Last of Me Yet’ was, lower your expectations a bit and there you have it.

There you go. Twelve songs, all amazing.

Listen to ‘J.Lo’s G.Hits’ on Spotify here.

Posted on Apr 13, 2012 by Owen Myers in Etc.
Owen MyersOwen can pinpoint his pop obsession to the exact moment that MN8 ripped their shirts open on The National Lottery Live in 1996. Since then, in the name of 'investigative journalism' he has done naked yoga, licked Divine's grave and been for an after-hours wander round Hampstead Heath. The things that make him happiest in life start with the letter 'K': K-Pop, Kath & Kim and Kylie. Oh, and Twitter. Owen regularly writes for Dazed and Confused, Attitude and Clash, and his favourite pop song of all time is of course 'What Have I Done To Deserve This?' by Pet Shop Boys.More by