The Big Reunion Big Recap: Abs/z from Five sent me a hat and now I love him even more

Last night on The Big Reunion, the six groups got back together and began rehearsals in earnest as the deadline for their London comeback show loomed ever closer. There were tears, bum-notes and recriminations aplenty.

But I have something much more exciting to write about…

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a thing about how Abs/z from Five is by far the best and most watchable element of the show. It ended up going a bit ‘viral’, to use the modern parlance, proving that I wasn’t the only one who had fallen head over heels for the ‘Stop Sign’ hitmaker’s bizarre life stories and inimitable pearls of wisdom.

Shortly after the article went online, I received a message from his girlfriend Vicky – once of early 00s pop trio Smoke2Seven – who revealed that the man himself had been made aware of my humble tribute. Not only that, but he was so touched that he had decided to send me a gift. Needless to say, I was equal parts excited and terrified.

Days passed and nothing arrived. I figured Abs/z and Vicky’s message had been at best a passing fancy and at worst a cruel joke. UNTIL YESTERDAY, when I received an artfully duct-taped box in the mail, containing nothing less than the iconic Rainbow Unicorn Hat!

I have literally never been happier.

To me, this is a classic example of why Abs/z is the star of The Big Reunion. Shows like this are often set up to make it easy to laugh at the arrogance and delusions of faded stars, but it would take a cold heart indeed not to warm to Abs/z.

His warmth, boundless enthusiasm and total lack of pretension shine through in his every appearance onscreen – he can only be who he is, and who he is, is amazing. And, it transpires, very generous with his headwear.

The Unicorn hat had a starring role in last night’s show, as it rightfully took pride of place throughout his dance rehearsals – to the extent that I feel a little bit guilty about claiming it before the Arena tour begins.

Anyway, if you’re interested, other highlights of the show included:

• Kerry Katona requiring pre-recorded assistance during the spoken word bit of ‘Whole Again’.
• Abs/z displaying his trademark sensitivity on the touchy subject of Lee 911 and Lindsay B*witched’s recent separation: “Shit! That’s fresh…”
• DRAMA as Liz from Atomic Kitten contracts tonsillitis (for about five minutes, after which it is never mentioned again).
• Edele from B*Witched in no way throwing her weight around during rehearsals. On sharing the vocal parts with the other girls: “They’re going, ‘Can I have that bit?’ Yes, you can have it.” “Catapult, right back to 1998!” exclaims a traumatised Keavy.
• The slightly terrifying passive-aggression of Sean from Five: “In the old days there was always a demon there. I’m just looking forward to meeting him again… And smashing him to pieces.”

Next week, more rehearsals, even more Five/Four drama and a SHOCK PLOT TWIST as Blue gatecrash the tour at the last minute, for no apparent reason and despite having been technically reunited for years.

“I really don’t want to bow down to the altar of Blue,” moans Kevin from Liberty X. It is a worry…

The Big Reunion Big Recap: Episode 5

It was a bit of a ‘cue Adele soundbed’ episode of The Big Reunion this week, as 911 and B*Witched raked over their painful post-pop stardom years in the wilderness, while Five continued to rebuild their bridges.

It wasn’t exactly high on ‘the lolz’.

Still, here are seven things we learned.

Something unexpected might have been going on in B*Witched

There’s a very strange dynamic at work between the B*Witched singers, who are reunited for the first time since the split tonight. “I never loved anyone like I loved you… I was heartbroken for years,” sobs Edele. “I’m just worried it might get… Intense… Again,” says a justifiably uncomfortable looking Sinead. Maybe all that denim was a red flag all along.

Literally everyone was pissed on SM:TV, all the time

In previous episodes we’ve learned about the boys from Liberty X and Five going straight from a wild night on the tiles to slurring their way through an interview with Cat Deeley, and tonight we learn that at the height of his drinking problem, Jimmy from 911 “could hardly stand up” during several promotional appearances. To think all these years I thought C*H*U*M*S was supposed to look that shambolic.

Being the less popular twin can be a headfuck

The popstar life wasn’t all high-kicks and fiddles for Keavy from B*Witched. When her sister Edele was pushed to the forefront of the group, the resentment eventually caused ‘the other twin’ to have a rather scary sounding breakdown. Fortunately she’s since found closure of sorts as the front woman of a wedding band (“I’m finally singing lead!”) and a part-time professional stilt walker. Yes, you read that last bit correctly.

Some popstar partners are better at playing the sympathetic pillar of strength than others

One of the ways in which the show portrays the physical and emotional toll the former stars have been through is to show them reminiscing about their lowest ebbs with their parents and partners and talking over their fears for the future. The partners are there to cry, hug and generally be supportive. “So, do you think the agoraphobia’s going to come back?” asks Spike from 911’s girlfriend bluntly.

Lindsay from B*Witched is a serious actress now

She did two years at drama school and everything. Fortunately the hard work has paid off, as she recently played a stripping nun in British ‘thriller’ Two Days In The Smoke, co-starring the bloke who played Deano in EastEnders.

Sean from Five/Four has a heart after all!

Having spent the last four episodes criticising everybody else, fondly reminiscing about the time he threw Scott down a flight of stairs and generally being a bit of a misery, Sean finally shows his softer side during a group night out. “I just wanna say… I love you guys,” he admits after a few beers. “I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said,” replies a visibly astonished Scott.

But needless to say, Abs/z still gets all the best lines

“When in doubt, always go left.” Sage advice Abs/z, sage advice…

Next week, rehearsals for the big show! Will B*Witched work through their issues? Will The Honeyz make it onstage without suffering yet another lineup change? Can Five uncover an adequate replacement for missing J?

Actually we already know all the answers (yes, no and not unless you count randomly crowbarring Blue into the line-up at the last minute) because the live show took place last Tuesday, but that’s television for you. Watch it anyway, maybe Abs/z will debut a new hat or something.

The Big Reunion Big Recap: Episode Four

From Jedward bouncing through the Britney back-catalogue on The X Factor to Lisa Scott-Lee ‘taking a moment’ while waving a melodramatic hand in front of a tear-stained face on Steps Reunited, every reality show needs a breakout star.

For ITV2’s The Big Reunion, that star is Abz (née Abs) from Five.

With his shaved-eyebrow-raising Enfield-via-Jamaica accent, puppyish enthusiasm and seemingly endless supply of increasingly surreal popstar anecdotes, the ‘Little Miss Perfect’ hitmaker is an absolute gift to television.

Here are just a few highlights from last night’s episode.

• He has a rainbow-coloured cap with a uinicorn on the front. It is the most brilliant cap I have ever seen in my life. This show seems to have been shot over several months in a variety of locations. Abz is wearing the cap in every single scene.
• He describes first meeting Ritchie in the mid 90s as if it were a recreation of the climactic scene in ET. “I had never encountered a… being… like you before.”
• His reminiscences are masterpieces of tantalisingly omitted detail: “I went after him… To cut a long story short I got arrested.”
• On how Five could carry on without J: “How about calling ourselves Four but spelt with a… 4?”
• He appears to have spent the years immediately following Five’s demise on the bender to end all benders. “A rich woman took me in… I was having Lemon Sorbet with Vodka… For breakfast!” Incredible.
• He’s not entirely averse to the idea of exploring his sexuality, as outlined by this heart-warming tale: “This one dude offered me a Bentley to spend the night with him, and let me tell you man – for a moment, I could smell the leather.”
• The accessories of the rich and famous don’t easily faze him. “I had this watch with all these diamonds rolling around in the face. You couldn’t even tell the time, it was ridiculous!”
• During a particular low point after his solo career tanked, he spent time living above a bakery. “I’m waking up in the morning and there’s a rat looking at me like ‘go get me some o’ that cake that’s downstairs’,” he remembered at one point. “That’s not right, man…”
• Nowadays he lives on a farm, and is heart-meltingly proud of his newfound passion for growing ‘curly carrots’. (It’s exactly what it sounds like).
• That said, he hasn’t quite got the hang of poultry care yet: “I had ten chickens… I’ve got four left.” What happened to the other chickens? Chillingly, we never find out…

The rest of the episode contained more awkward let’s-all-pretend-Jenny-Frost-never-happened stuff from Atomic Kitten, and Sean from Five basically coming off like the very worst person in the world, but all of this was mere window dressing for the wonder that was Abz.

When this show is over, I want him to get his own spin-off show; perhaps a series of nature documentaries where he gets to travel the world being adorably amazed at things while wearing his rainbow unicorn cap and wielding a novelty carrot. Heavenli from The Honeyz, with her bizarrely languid speaking voice, could narrate.

Next week – dark confessions from 911, more familial drama from the B*Witched camp and best of all, even more Abz! Clearly, the folks at ITV2 know certified TV gold when they see it.

I went to the Brits with the aim of covering it using numerous social media things and here’s what happened

As you may have heard already, the Brit awards took pace last night.

As with most award shows there were boring bits (thank you ‘Ben Howard’, Mumford & Sons and the seemingly endless ‘gag’ about Adele’s speech being cut off last year) and there were amazing moments such as Taylor Swift having her wedding dress ripped off, Justin Timberlake dragging a mic stand around with him for ‘Mirrors’ (seriously, what a tune) and the *NSYNC-circa-’Pop’ staging for the One Direction performance.

Anyway, you know what happened, it was quite literally on the TV. What you may not have seen however is what the press area looked like, what food was supplied, who was loitering about backstage (A*M*E basically) and who played at the Warners aftershow (SPOILER ALERT: It was ‘Fun.’).

In order to bring this information to you in a manner that is both engaging and incredibly fiddly I have been tasked with covering the night using as many different social media ‘platforms’ as possible, which would have worked better had there been any signal in the 02, but what can you do.

Of course we open with a Vine of my journey to the 02, which was meant to be longer but somehow I lost the bit where you see me getting on a bus. A real shame.

Once I go to the tube I had to wait for a friend so I wasn’t really paying too much attention when the actual Olly Murs strolled right past me, escorted by two policemen. In a tragic case of social media confusion I tried to get a picture of him but kept pressing the wrong part of my screen on my phone, thinking I was ‘Vining’, so only got this shot of him in the distance. :(

I then walked off towards the ‘action’, passing a lot of distressed-looking teenage girls who’d managed to shout something at Harry Styles, and below is merely a taste of the scene that greeted me.

Of course I also wanted to let my Google+ followers know where I was so I posted a picture of the 02 on there and sat back and waited for the ‘hangout’ fun times to start.

Literally nothing happened. Continue reading I went to the Brits with the aim of covering it using numerous social media things and here’s what happened »

The Big Reunion big recap: Episode 3

It’s week three of the Big Reunion, and time for a girl group special as double denim rule breakers B*Witched and the UK’s very own Destiny’s Child (hmm…) The Honeyz both reflect on the highs and lows of being at the affordable end of pop superstardom circa 1998.

Here’s what happened:

The Rise!

Formed in the late 90s, B*Witched consisted of Edele & Keavy – the twin sisters of ‘tattooed Boyzone wild man’ Shane Lynch, and their friends Sinead Carroll and Lindsay Armaou. Despite being rebuffed by Louis Walsh (HM…) they soon found themselves sharing a manager with “UK Hip-Hop Act” PJ & Duncan, and set about recording their debut album.

Despite some initial misgivings about the bubblegum direction they were being pushed into (they presumably saw themselves as more of a rock act) they took off like smiley Irish rockets when debut single ‘C’est La Vie’ went straight to Number One.

London duo Celena Cherry and Heavenli Abdi – otherwise known as The Honeyz – dreamed of becoming the UK’s answer to En Vogue, but when they signed with Mercury records they were forced to add a third member – Naima Belkhiati – who gave great face but couldn’t really sing. Nevertheless, the trio scored instant success with soulful ballads such as ‘End Of The Line’ and ‘Finally Found’, enjoying lengthy residences in the Top Ten. World domination seemed imminent etc etc.

Drama and double denim!!

The first shock revelation of this show is that the girls were forced into wearing all that denim in order to appeal to a younger audience. “We were just totally denimed out,” admits Lindsay ruefully.

But fabric fatigue would soon give way to deeper problems as the record company singled out Edele as the group’s lead singer – pushing Keavy, Lindsay and Sinead into the background.

It was a similar story over at Honeyz HQ, where Celena was quickly pushed into the Diana Ross role, leaving the other two as pouting spare parts. Resentment inevitably followed, and as the group prepared to sign a US record deal with Def Jam, Heavenli quite literally did a runner.

The end of the line!!!

B*Witched scored an amazing four consecutive Number One singles from their debut album (‘Blame It On The Weatherman’ is the best one), and even had success in America. But six months away touring the states with *NSYNC gave their UK fans time to move on, and when their comeback single ‘Jesse Hold On’ only got to Number 4, panic ensued. The record label encouraged them to ‘sex up’ their image, but swapping fiddles for FHM shoots failed to arrest their decline.

Not only that, the pressure of constant touring and life in her twin sister’s shadow caused Keavy’s patience to well and truly snap on a holiday in Portugal, bringing the group to crisis point. “We weren’t people any more, we were a product!” sobs Edele.

Heavenli’s abrupt departure cost The Honeyz their American record deal, and the prospect of the group’s premature demise brought about a philosophical crisis for Celena. “If I wasn’t a part of the Honeyz, what was the point of existing?” Indeed.

Temporary salvation came in the form of ex-Solid Harmonie singer Mariama Goodman, who stepped in to replace Heavenli. More hits followed – including the amazing ‘Won’t Take It Lying Down’ – but then she stropped off after evil Naima tried to seduce her boyfriend on a video shoot.

To further confuse matters, Heavenli was brought back in again (“It was… frosty…”) but by now the revolving lineup was starting to put Honeyz fans at risk of epileptic seizures, and when even recording the theme song to The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps couldn’t get them back in the Top 20, the game was clearly up.

The reunion!!!!

When their single ‘Jump Down’ only got to Number 16, B*Witched’s record company pulled the plug. Sinead went on to form a talent academy where she teaches small children how to dance like Jessie J. Lindsay went into acting, playing a ‘saucy nun’ in a low-budget Britcom starring Deano from Eastenders. Edele and Keavy’s brief turn dressing up like Lady Gaga’s slightly embarrassing aunts in electro-pop duo Barbarellas is not mentioned. :(

As they prepare to reform, Edele worries about reconnecting with Sinead. “It was like a marriage without the sex,” she explains. Keavy and Lindsay also seem worried about being pushed into the background again. Will B*Witched 2.0 see them finally get their moment in the spotlight? ‘Only time will tell’…

With no-singing, all-boyfriend-stealing troublemaker Naima out of the picture for this reunion, the resurgent Honeyz features yet another brand new lineup consisting of Celena, Heavenli and Mariama. “It’ll be nice to be in a group where everybody can sing instead of one person’s mic being switched off,” enthuses Heavenli.

There’s the inevitable Steps moment where the three women sit around a table and clear the air. “We’re the two women who left you in the lurch,” Heavenli offers diplomatically. “After you left, I was on a Hev hate mission,” Celena replies. Poor nice Mariama doesn’t really have a lot to contribute to this discussion and is forced to sit looking faintly uncomfortable while the two warring titans cry onto one another’s shoulders. Peace is – temporarily – restored at Honeyz HQ. Hooray for closure!

Next week, now that the retrospectives are all done with, it’s time for the groups to start comeback preparations in earnest. There will be dancing, bitching, more shock revelations and Kerry Katona making a fantastic face when she learns that what must have initially sounded like a fast buck for a couple of days work has turned into a full on arena tour. Don’t even think about missing it.

The Big Reunion big recap: Episode 2

Following last week’s (slightly haunting) look into the psyches of post-success Five and Liberty X, ITV2′s The Big Reunion shifted its attention this week to the careers of ‘pint-sized’ ‘Love Sensation’ hitmakers 911 and Kerry Katona-era Atomic Kitten ahead of the already sold-out comeback ‘gig’ later this month.

Here’s what happened:

The Rise!

911 are so retro that two of them got together on a primetime show hosted by Michaela Strachan.

After recruiting singer Lee Brennan in – oh, the glamour! – Burger King Carlisle, they landed a £3m record deal (!) and began their assault on planet pop with unforgettable hits such as ‘Don’t Make Me Wait’. After their fifth single ‘Bodyshakin’’ catapulted them to “heights we could never have imagined” (Number 3), life became a relentless rollercoaster of success, culminating in a Number 1 hit with their cover of Dr Hook’s ‘A Little Bit More’.

Atomic Kitten were formed in the late 90s when a ‘producer’ spotted Kerry Katona dancing in something called The Porn Kings and thrust her together singers with Liz McClarnon and Natasha Hamilton. (Actually there was also a brief period when Heidi Range was in the group, but nobody talks about that). After ‘cutting their teeth’ in Japan, they burst onto the scene with hits like ‘Right Now’ and ‘I Want Your Love’, almost got dropped when their album initially charted at Number 39, then turned it all around with a last minute reprieve and four weeks at Number One with bona fide classic ‘Whole Again’.

Behind The Perma-grins!!

In terms of almost terrifying blokiness, 911 were basically 1997’s answer to The Wanted. Jimmy tells of a heart-melting act of chivalry involving waking up next to two unidentified women, presumably having had his wicked way with them the night before. “I don’t know who they are, all I know is I’m ringing them a taxi.” That’s the pop dream right there, ladies.

However, a man cannot live on groupies with questionable self-esteem alone, and a punishing promotional schedule was fast pushing the boys to breaking point. “911 was basically a prison,” declares Spike, entirely seriously.

Being a member of Atomic Kitten sounds, frankly, terrifying. “Liz wouldn’t hurt a fly,” laughs Kerry, recounting a major argument over car space that almost sent the group asunder. “Yeah, I hit her,” remembers Liz, a not-entirely-remorseful smile flickering across her lips.

Coincidentally, and in no way due to the many, many ITV2 reality shows she’s starred in over the years, Kerry Katona gets a disproportionate amount of airtime on this show considering she did a runner after just four singles. Pity poor Jenny Frost, whose five years in the band are dismissed with an ominous voiceover declaring that she “will not be appearing” at this reunion.

The fall from grace!!!

Exhausted, and with the hits starting to dry up, 911 could see the writing was on the wall. When the record company announced a Greatest Hits was in the offing, they decided to jump before they were pushed, announcing their split on the Chris Moyles show to the devastation of the leagues of fans who had just sent their last ever single to the heady heights of Number 13 in the charts.

Atomic Kitten’s post-Kerry period continues to be entirely glossed over, despite being the era when they had pretty much all of their major success. (FYI: The best Atomic Kitten song is ‘The Last Goodbye’.) We do learn that Natasha suffered severe post-natal depression after giving birth in 2002, which led to her finally calling time on the group in 2004.

The reunion!!!!

911 are a good few years older than everyone else taking part in the Big Reunion, so they’re mainly worried about dodgy hips and gammy ankles getting in the way of their dance routines. A sad-eyed Lee Brennan also talks movingly about childhood health problems and his recent separation from Lindsay out of B*Witched, which appear to have left him a bit broken. This is actually very sad. Poor Lee.

After Atomic Kitten split, Liz “maintained a busy showbiz career” (the camera demonstrates this by cutting to a guest appearance on ITV’s Loose Women), Kerry became a troubled reality TV queen and Natasha invented Starbucks or something.

There are some concerns about Kerry’s ability to hit those infamous Atomic Kitten high notes (“I don’t think we did harmonies when Kerry was in the group – I think they just used to turn her microphone off”) and no mention is made of the approximate 17 times that Atomic Kitten have already reformed between 2005 and now. Kerry thinks it’s going to be ‘mad’. Liz looks very frightened.

So that was that. Next week we find out if four women staring into the harsh glare of their forties can still sing ‘C’est La Vie’ without visibly dying inside, and The Honeyz – East Albion’s answer to Destiny’s Child – dish the dirt on bitter rivalries and ever-changing lineups.

It’s going to be amazing.